Popular Misconceptions of Hypnosis- Vikramjeet Sinha

Our hypnotherapist columnist Vikramjeet Sinha returns with his second installment on hypnosis…regarding popular perceptions/misconceptions of hypnosis.


Hypnosis is a dream like state. In this state the person’s mind becomes quiet or passive. The hypnotist introduces suggestion into the powerful subconscious mind.

Lets briefly take a technical look at how the brain operates. The brain operates on measurable frequency cycles. These frequencies correspond to certain kinds of activity.

The frequencies fall under four brain waves; Delta ,Theta ,Alpha and Beta.

1)To briefly explain Delta: it is that range of activity which is totally unconscious.

2)Theta is that frequency which is in a range of frequency where hypnosis takes place, emotional experiences are recorded, and doors open where psychic phenomenon takes place.

3)Alpha is where day dreaming takes place, and is also among the subconscious range of frequencies (although sometimes it dips into Theta.) Psychic experience takes place in Alpha as well which makes this frequency very important for hypnosis.

4)Beta is where the conscious mind begins and most of what we might regard as our “wakeful self” is in the Beta stage.

image from planetstarz

Whenever I have introduced myself as a hypnotherapist I have often heard said:

“Do not look into my eyes!” …. “I do not want to turn into a clucking chicken.”…. “I cannot be hypnotized as my mind is too strong”…. “I am not a weak person”…. “I’m afraid i can get stuck in hypnosis”

And after undergoing hypnotherapy some clients have said:

“While under i did not feel hypnotized ,i could hea everything and recall everything and was aware…deep hypnosis is necessary for good results.”

All the above statements are not true .

A hypnotherapist is different from a hypnotist and does not have any magical powers. That a person can be hypnotized and made to do things against his or her wish is totally false. No person can be hypnotized against his or her will. The subject has to be 100 % cooperative. Secondly, no one under hypnosis will do anything without their free will. During hypnosis the subject is free to choose or not to choose anything and to reject whatever suggestion they do not like. Intelligent people can be hypnotized far easier and its nothing to do with weakness. In fact- deranged minds can’t be hypnotized.

A hypnotized person is not in a trance or unconscious, but fully alert and in an acute state. The hypnotized subject has to merely focus his attention where the hypnotherapist directs. Nobody can get stuck in hypnoses. Even if the hypnotherapist dies during a session the subject would come out of hypnosis easily. The subject would either slip into a brief sleep and then awaken normally or open his/her eyes when the hypnotherapist’s voice has not been heard for some time. The idea that deep hypnosis is necessary for good results is not true- any level of hypnosis from light to very deep can bring good results. (reference: William w Hewitt)

image from showtickets

Playing with LACAN: comics, pop art, and pleasure

image from entropic-empire

I really dig comics and pop artifacts that do theory the right way…cuz not everyone into theory is into “high” culture. And there’s nothing more irritating than a pompous idiot who thinks that Lacan is only for “professional” Lacanians. The reason why Lacan’s work is interesting is because it is talking about the conflict between how people imagine their lives and how they live them- as well as how the conscious mind spends most its time trying to cover up this discrepancy.

When he was speaking and writing he was addressing a mostly French and insular audience but that doesn’t mean that we have to mystify his ideas with dry academic ramblings. Bruce Fink’s writings on Lacan are a significant step in the right direction. And “Introducing Lacan” by Darian Leader and Judy Groves is an excellent example of how psychoanalysis can be communicated in comic-book format and still retain clarity without too many theoretical sacrifices.

lacan-2.jpg lacan-3.jpg
click on the images to read the text…from “Introducing Lacan” by Darian Leader and Judy Groves, 2000

In my brief encounters with academia I have gotten the impression that there is an unwritten rule: If you are enjoying yourself too much then your thinking must not be very good. After all thought is “serious.” Perhaps this is why Zizek had such a hard time getting his Phd thesis certified…anyway…even he seems to have realized that people become far more open to philosophy if you gift-wrap it in a joke with popular references like Hitchcock. He gets annoyed by the fact that even some of his closest colleagues sometimes think he is just mucking about…but he realizes that he would fall under censure far more frequently if he made some of his radical propositions without a touch of irony. In fact, I do not think Zizek is very frequently ironic at all. He just pretends to be ironic so that the fluttering hearts of sentimental liberals can be soothed with the question “he wasn’t being REALLY serious, was he?”

image from zeitgeistfilms

Anyway, those of us who have felt the lacerating whip of academia probably realize that, when you are very far down the totem pole of academic hierarchy…it is difficult to get away with making the kinds of jokes that Zizek does. But, regardless, I’ve gotten tired of the dour-faced self-flagellation that most older academics seem to expect in British academia. Come on! Somebody tell a joke! Well perhaps they really are enjoying themselves and there’s a secret trap door in the teacher’s lounge that leads to a torture dungeon with whips and paddles but I’ve not yet been invited.

I digress…

So the point being…academia seems to bring with it instructions for HOW TO approach theory and it usually frowns upon enjoyment.

The point is…if you like theory…you shouldn’t be barred from enjoying it just because you aren’t into whips……and if you enjoy comics…then mix it up. Here is some graphic art along those lines…

Kid A IN ALPHABET LAND (trading card set)

(An Abecedarian Roller Coaster Ride Through The Phallocentric Obscurantism Of Jacques Lacan)


text from above image:

Kid A In Alphabet Land Jumps Another Juicy ‘Jaculator – That Jerk-Off, Jouissance!

You Displease Me, And You Think I Gain Pleasure From That! Heh! You Must Take Me For Some Masochistic Francophile! And You’re The Substance I’m Paid With By My Lack Of Substance? You’re Impossible! I’m Coming To Get You! – Fuck You, Jouissance!

Check out the whole KID A deck at KID A

and for more Lacanian artwork and other avant garde weirdness check out Perfume

Take the Rajma Rorschach Test: what kind of crazy are you?

Food, Freud, and F***ing around making pointless internet quizzes…these are some of my favorite things…


When I look at a plate of _______ I see:


1) Rajma

a) three dimensional curving ovals
b) a thick substance I’d like to eat it off of someone’s belly
c) They scream everytime I try to pick them up with a spoon…
d) swarming maggots or smurf turds
e) beans beans beans


2) Tandoori chicken

a) oval-shaped objects with pointed ends
b) boners
c) his name is Bobby
d) the juicy flesh of small children
e) I see tandoori chicken. That’s it.


3) Naan

a) a bumpy flat oval
b) a shaggadellic beanbag to play on…
c) She’s actually quite philosophical about being eaten…something about karma…
d) Baby flesh
e) it’s a naan you daft loser!


4) Samosas

a) 13 triangles
b) Triangular condoms
c) These bitches always tell me I’m fat.So I torture them by eating their corners first.
d) That’s what it looks like when you fold a baby seven times
e) They’re samosas you fool


5) Baingan (eggplant)

a) two dozen spheres with stems
b) a pile of purple balls (human ones)
c) they say they are the eggs of satan. I ate them anyway.
d) the battered skulls of unborn babies
e) its just one small aubergine. Only multiplied and fried.


6) iddlies

a) four flat circles
b) fried smegma
c) alien spaceships…they say they come in peace…but I ate their leader anyway.
d) squashed doves
e) fluffy white iddlies waiting for Sambar


7) Pakoras

a) oddly formed coagulated shapes
b) lumpy breasts
c) These losers are full of gas…they wont stop talking even after I eat them.
d) deep fried bandicoots (monster sewer rats)
e) mmm….pakoras


8) red chillies

a) two semicircles and a line
b) fairy dildoes
c) After 10 chillies my eyes water & I hear the voice of god. It’s a recorded message.
d) mutant tape worms pulled out of shilpa shetty’s nose (lowering her IQ by 69 %)
e) three tasty chillies


9) rasgollas

a) a dozen small spheres
b) balls
c) Do you hear barking?
d) the eyeballs of little girls
e) gooey rosgollas


10) mango

a) four fifths of a spherical object
b) punani
c) ah the music of song in a bleeding mango…
d) fresh human baby heart…still dripping…
e) don’t be disgusting. Its just a mango.


IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “A”s THEN YOU ARE: The Compulsive Carbohydrate

Obsessed with geometry of your food you are a poster kid for the Freudian anal phase; doomed to count your piles of food as if they were coins you might bury in an underground safe…you treat your food like money…and your money exits your body as shit…you are split between active and passive impulses: the impulse to mastery on the one hand, which can easily become cruelty; the impulse to scopophilia (love of gazing), on the other hand. You gaze at your food as if it were treasure. You calculate its quantity and measure each bite. You are the Lacanian death drive on a rampage; a mathematical vampire that has to keep counting his prey to avoid a fear of unmeasurable objects and incomplete experience. But as Zizek might say, Enjoy your symptom and keep counting your life away.

image from myspace

IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “B”s THEN YOU ARE: The Sexual Vegetable

You have sex on the brain and no place else…You are so obsessed with your lack of sex that you see sex everywhere that it isn’t. The real truth is that you are in love with your food but rather than admit your deep passion for carrots you pretend to use them as metaphors for human romantic gratification. Yes, my dear Desi, like countless other Desis you have sex on the brain cuz your life is as asexual as an Obese Raja, chewing paan and trying to dispel the boredom of magnamanity by flipping through the instructions of the Kama Sutra…or building entire temples covered in sculptural erotica…with girls…boys…donkeys even….while he is fanned by his many nubile serving girls….and hopes no one will notice the fire that glows in his eyes when the Chicken biryani arrives…Ever wonder why Bollywood films are so Horny but the people in the audience….sitting in nice little family groupings….aren’t? Is it because when something is missing you see it everywhere? Perhaps you are A) a teenage dirtbag baby (who isn’t getting anything from anyone except his left hand) or B) a bored married person who sees more erotic potential in a vegetable than in their spouse, or C) A single person who has gone without amor for so long that you’re prepared to walk around the fire tied to a nice piece of fried jackfruit as long as it doesn’t smoke, drink, or philander. D) You are a Food Fetishist who will in later life force some poor unfortunate soul to throw snow peas at you while screaming “ You’re the Queen of the Cabbages!”

image from niu.edu and


I hate to break it to you but no matter how good a conversationalist you are…the fact that your food talks back to you is not a hopeful sign. Something rather complex evidently happened to you in early childhood and if you were Alice in Wonderland I could tell you it was all a dream but your rabbit hole doesn’t begin or end; its you. And as far as I know….according to Lacan your kind of condition is totally incurable… All I can suggest is that, as Alice learned, it is rude to eat food to whom you have been introduced- so if your food talks to you- don’t talk back. Eat.

Alice in Wonderland Through the Looking Glass:

‘You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton,’ said the Red Queen. ‘Alice— Mutton; Mutton— Alice.’ The leg of mutton got up in the dish and made a little bow to Alice; and Alice returned the bow, not knowing whether to be frightened or amused.


‘May I give you a slice?’ she said, taking up the knife and fork, and looking from one Queen to the other.

‘Certainly not,’ the Red Queen said, very decidedly: ‘it isn’t etiquette to cut any one you’ve been introduced to. Remove the joint!’ And the waiters carried it off, and brought a large plum-pudding in its place.

‘I won’t be introduced to the pudding, please,’ Alice said rather hastily, ‘or we shall get no dinner at all. May I give you some?’


`What impertinence!’ said the Pudding. `I wonder how you’d like it, if I were to cut a slice out of YOU, you creature!’ It spoke in a thick, suety sort of voice, and Alice hadn’t a word to say in reply: she could only sit and look at it and gasp. `Make a remark,’ said the Red Queen: `it’s ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding!’



Insanity is your sanity. Repulsed by giving the sane reply you are a neurotic who hates the idea of having a garden variety form of sanity/insanity. Your desire can only function when you see it as unusual/abnormal/contrary to the generally accepted law of desire- if you are “supposed” to enjoy your desert you won’t be able to. You may eat it but you won’t like it. In other words you feel your most deranged when you feel “normal”- You are bored and disgusted by food when it doesn’t look like something out of a B- Grade Lollywood flick.

horror-poster-2.jpg funny-pictures-alien-kitten-gxm-2.jpg

IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “E”s THEN YOU ARE: The Repressed Rasgolla

Check into the nearest mental institution…because you are the sort that noone ever expects will one day without warning flip out and set fire to your school, home, workplace or suddenly join a cult where your guru demands sexual favors and that you forsake all your earthly belongings in exchange for a uniform of orange fur. Your “seeing is believing”/ “Tell it like it is” attitude is the biggest line of crap of them all. According to Lacan “The Undeluded are Kidding themselves…” So if you really think that an objective truth exists where butter chicken is only “really” identical to butter chicken …then that means you have a mind with a unique capacity to lie to itself- and you know what that means babe? You lack the capacity to view yourself as lacking….err..that is to say…you refuse to believe in the possibility of multiple sanities/insanities and..you refuse to believe that you yourself, like everyone else…are mad as well….which is the maddest thing of all….so welcome to the tea party Alice…but watch out…if you keep telling yourself these tall tales about being normal…well…then one day…

image from quizfarm


Crazy cat from airsoftgunhelp.com

THERAPY for the PROBLEMS of PAST LIVES- A hypnotherapist explains…Vikramjeet Sinha

Have you ever considered therapy? For how many life-times? If you subscribe to the adage “don’t live in the past” perhaps you should reconsider whether the PAST is living through you…

Remains of the Desi Brings you another unusual Desi…Vikramjeet Sinha, who has worked in a number of capacities;

1) As an art based therapist and social worker for various NGOs across India over the past ten years…working with juvenile delinquent street kids, and other disenfranchised communities that have required creative group therapies to work through issues of alienation and aggression.

2) As a past life regression therapist and hypnotherapist with individual clients. He has often used these healing techniques in his creative work as a social worker with larger groups. These techniques include the therapeutic use of art and drama.

3) As a subtle madman…a modern day shaman…with a penchant for the dramatic and really one of my closest friends…its hard to tear him away from his hectic life but here he is with a brief introduction to what he does…and we look forward to more of his writing on subjects related to his therapeutic practice. He will be answering any questions regarding his practice and if you would prefer not to post your query as a comment then you may write anonymously to remainsofthedesi at gmail dot com

image from ompalace

Hi my name is Vikramjeet Sinha. I have done a year and a half certificate course from the Californian School of Hypnosis.I have been practicing hypnotherapy and past life regression therapy both in Delhi and in Bombay. There has been remarkable healing .In my opinion regression happens only for the clients when the right time arrives. The subconscious guides in a way which makes it easy for all of us and therefore is not frightening or scary. The guide as the therapist would gently allow the integration and the release to take place smoothly.

image from hypnosisrebt.com


In order to understand what past life therapy is one has to move into the framework of the theory of reincarnation.The theory of reincarnation is firmly embedded in the ancient Hindu and Buddhist belief system. It comes with this understanding that we are not the body and the mind but we are souls having previous existences other than the present one.The previous life times’ impressions are embedded in our subconscious.These impressions in ancient Hindu and Buddhist texts are called Samskaras.

reincarnation.gif image from gazette


Past life regression is the procedure of hypnosis where through controlled progressive relaxation one is regressed into a state where one visits those impressions caused by previous births. These, if they are negative, would have left their imprints on the subconscious mind. This would, in turn, disturb the body or mind of the client either through illnesses, thereby effecting relationships.

killer-cat-2.jpg image from roflcat


The therapy part comes in when the client is regressed into a previous life experience and then the present life personality is transposed onto the emotions and images of previous lives where those negative experiences are being displayed by the subconscious mind –sometimes baffling the conscious mind. Then through a method of internally releasing and placing a positive experience on the negative experiences, the release and the understanding of those negative experiences takes place.Therapy occurs by increasing understanding and allowing negative experiences from the subconscious mind to be released.

image from beyondtheveil

The effort of this endeavor may bring up all that is suppressed to the hilt and then allow that which is suppressed to be released and as a result make the client be rid of the ailments and phobias which have been plaguing them for years. However, progress is gradual and not rushed or instantaneous. Past life therapy is about lightness in being and about awareness and helping the consciousness to be expansive which brings about joy in daily life.

image from lycaeum

Getting a little too Close to my Computer- by Unheimlich Maneuver

Keeping it weird at Remains of the Desi…A few words on Computers and Psychoanalysis by our guest writer, U.M.


Image from cagle.com

Recently, on Mother’s Day, I realized that I was spending a quantifiably larger time alone with my computer. And, isolated in my cyber mausoleum, I began to wonder whether my laptop had begun to take on an almost familial metaphor in my repressed and disquieting life. For Lacan, the object “a” is the thing or person that “causes speech”. In other words, your desire is formed, from infancy, in relation to an object which appears to want something from you. If your mother wants you to walk or eat or crap then you learn that those things are “good” things to do…and hence your capacity to desire is formed. And as you grow older and fall in love, that new object becomes in some ways, a substitute for the original Object “A”, towards which you try to project your desire and to whom you address your acts and speech.

From there on out Lacan becomes inordinately complex but there is one point that always rings with a degree of clarity in my head and it is this. For Freud and Lacan the most important part of psychoanalysis is looking at the difference between what your rational mind (language apparatus) “SAYS” it wants and looking at signs of what your unconscious really wants.

Now I have all sorts of reasons and excuses for why the internet is so utterly fascinating and for why I have so much work to do on my computer….but if I take away the lively rhetoric I am left with this…..I spend hours and hours a day sitting like a manacled lobster in a tank, with my eyes glued to a glowing screen and my hands caressing a keyboard.


Lacan might have argued… “perhaps what you really want…what you really desire…is not all of the erudite and intricate plays of word in cyber space….what you really desire is simply to sit for hours clutching an object which invites you to act upon it….(your substitute mommy/lover/Object “A”) and stare longingly into the gaze of the bright square glare. Perhaps computers have replaced our mothers (providing instant gratification and an eternal invitation to write more…) and our lovers (providing porn) and our friends (as we chase comments from blog to blog). I’m not sure if it is something to worry about…just something I’ve noticed…my computer causes my speech (my typed words) more frequently than anything else. But if my comp is becoming my object “A” then I am becoming something caused by a computer…something made of typing fingers and straining eyeballs, staring staring into an abyss of mechanical pleasure. It all feels very apocalyptic and cyborg…but I like it…


Aquarius: (January 21 to February 19)

Friendly and humanitarian, original and inventive, you are born to be someone’s friend. Oprah Winfrey is an Aquarian and, baby, this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, when “harmony and understanding…sympathy and trust abounding” is going to reach out and touch your life and put you on tv so the world can just….LOVE you. So I suggest, death by…hugs. Just run on out there and hug someone. Someone will have the good sense to shoot you in the head.


Pisces: (February 20 to March 20)

You’re Kurt Cobain and Albert Einstein in one; both Pisceans. You are a melancholy introvert and an atomic bomb waiting to go off. I suggest that you take a running jump out of a window clutching fireworks and a ticking bomb while singing “jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”. Alternatively, just lick your finger and stick it into an electronic outlet.

Aries: (March 21 – April 20)

Your adventurous streak and will to conquer unknown territories with un-bounding enthusiasm makes a death by drowning an ideal option for you. Forget hang-gliding this year and opt for deep sea diving. Once you are deep in the bowels of the jet black ocean, surrounded by exotic glowing fish, you could try a number of exciting options. 1) go diving with laughing gas tanks borrowed from your dentist 2) swim with sharks in a suit made of meat 3) wear a giant squid costume and make horny overtures to another giant squid 4) Locate a man-eating mermaid and grab her boobs.


Taurus: (April 21 to May 21)

Death by psychoanalysis. Patient, Persistent, and at times self-indulgent and inflexible. Freud was a Taurean. So was Karl Marx. Both of them were into social analysis, had a way with words, and saw words as a means to an either social or psychological cure. So how do we cure you of your insipid life? A talking cure? Well, Oedipussy, once we have you on the couch, and convince you, in terms that your puny mind can understand, that you REALLY do want to kill your father and Fuck your mother, you can gouge your eyes out with a burning cigar and start working on false consciousness. Once you realize the true extent of your hatred for your own miserable life, your family, your society, and everything you once held to be good and true, you will be free. Your mind will become a flaming ulcer that will not cool, your nervous system will fizzle and pop along your spine, and realizing that you really shouldn’t have gone down the rabbit hole to begin with, you will curse your own expanding and self-flaggellating knowledge, even as it palpitates with the hideous complexion of a decaying monstrous pile of flesh. Submerged in all thoughts most disgusting and intolerable, you will lose all loyalty to morality, and will begin life anew, as if dead and newly formed, a man or woman reconstituted; a golem, an inchoate desiring-infant, a mass of bio-rhythms, a hideous organ-machine, a thing unhuman and undead; a vampire-zombie-child, an alien to yourself. You, as you once knew yourself will be nothing but a trace and a faltering sentence, and nothing more.


Gemini: (May 22 to June 21)

Well, for an indecisive, two-faced, chut like you, with diarreah of the mouth, I’m going to suggest you kill yourself through sheer stupidity. This should not be too difficult. Locate a large-scale Punjabi wedding. Search for the hottest chicks in the room. Approach them. Dry hump the first. Donkey-punch the second. Within seconds you should have several Punjabi-fisted metal knuckldusters wedged deep into your skull, a gun pointed up your nostril, and a pick-axe hovering over your groin. Give your attackers the finger and introduce yourself as the “the man you should thank for finally putting it in your mother’s correct ass hole.” (insinuating that they are large, badly formed piles of shit caused by anal birthing.) Enjoy.

Cancer: (June 22 to July 22)

Well Kafka was a Cancerian but so is the Dalai Llama…you are imaginative, emotional, shrewd, cautious, moody and clingy…and yes, compassionate. But when you get depressed you are the maharaj of misanthropes. And, if you are killing yourself because of a broken heart…the following solution adds a poetic touch, which can only prove to create such an incredible guilt trip for your object of affection…that it will ruin his or her life, and at the very least, induce a fit of vomiting and terrible nightmares. If you want to go in for a lovelorn, misanthropic, and yet saintly suicide, I suggest live organ donation. One by one you can donate your eyes, your ears, your fingers, hands, feet, limbs, nerves, tendons, hair follicles, skin, kidney, intestines, bones, till you dissolve into the ether, transcending your body as it looks more and more like a giant mutilated cockroach. On your death bed, while you still have a mouth and vocal chords, set up a camera and a live feed to the internet, and film yourself singing “All of me” by Billy Holiday and I will canonize you as a saint.

“All of me…why not take all of me…can’t you see…I’m no good without you…take my lips…I’ll never use them…take my arms…I want to lose them…you took the part that once was my heart…so why not take all of me…”

And don’t forget to leave a note professing your love to Abhishek Bachan and a voodoo doll of Aishwarya with its head ripped off and a fork jammed between her breasts.

Leo: (July 23 to August 23)

You are one of the types most prone to grandious acts of philanthropy. You’re just so open minded and concerned about social welfare and loyal to your ethics and ideals. And you are just there to serve the cause even if it means shoveling your pompous, classist mores down everyone else’s throat. Therefore the perfect suicide for you, involves the following. Locate a starving family in the Northeast. Convince them you are a dog. Bark, roll over and drool if necessary. Let your ethics literally feed the people, sinew by sinew…from your deep fried left wing to your bleeding heart…..


Virgo: (August 22 to September 23)
Like Agatha Christie you are shy and modest; a meticulous perfectionist. In the perfect murder of yourself, however, you will not be too modest to leave, as your final mark of genius, clues that irrefutably prove that you were murdered, with the candlestick, in the billiard room, by Professor Plum. And if a clever sleuth should unravel your inscrutable riddle, he should find in his hands, the final clue; a piece of parchment on which you post-humously explain your wish to die and offer yourself, as the prize for necrophiliac ravishment. For in a good detective story, there is always a broad, and always a body, but seldom a clever private dick.


Libra: (September 24 to October 23)

At a party you’re always the one who can create sublime, enigmatic, urbane conversation whose content, in retrospect, was as substantial as a fart. How do you do it? You are the sultan of suave, the princess of politicking, and though you always seem to buy everyone else drinks, your pocket never seems empty. Your only lament is that the opposite sex just cant seem to leave you alone…well, why should they? Death for you has got to be on par with your penchant for diplomacy and your promiscuous, inconstant flirtations. You’re the one who knows that a good thing is worth waiting for…and if that thing is the most magnificent, awe-inspiring death by Sexually Transmitted Diseases…then baby….you’re going to get it. AIDS, Herpes, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Trrichomaniasis, topped off with the cherry and frosting of genital warts and pubic crabs. Tadaaaaa! And not only can you die in a triumphant outbreak of disease but you can casually, diplomatically, and graciously infect most of your social millieau. Throw a party. A fund raiser orgy, perhaps, for AIDS? You can use the condoms for balloons.


Scorpio: (October 24 to November 22)

If I wanted to blow sunshine up your arse I would say that you were going to have a good year. But that would be lying. And me. I never lie. And, in any case, the world is coming to an end in 2012, world war III is around the corner, the ozone layer is dissolving, racial genocide ain’t stopping, and love is a four letter word… so you may as well just stick your head in the oven and turn up the gas, like Slyvia Plath, who was also a Scorpio. Like Sylvia, you are emotional and intuitive, exciting and magnetic, jealous and resentful, and secretive and obstinate. It would not make sense for you to kill yourself without turning your death into a piece of art. First, cover the walls of your kitchen with your original poetry, written in your own blood and shit of course. Write a manifesto if you like. Then, collect several meters of cellophane, strip naked and wrap yourself in it. Then write the words, “The future is a grey seagullTattling in its cat-voice of departure”. from Slyvia Plath’s poem, “Life” all over your body in pink cake icing and French mustard. Put a ripe apple in your mouth and hand-cuff your wrists behind your back.Then climb in the oven and create a pork roast out of yourself. This version works better if you are a feminist. But either way, I’d pay to see the show.


Sagittarius: (November 23 to December 21)

“I am a Sagittarius” said Jim Morrison, tripping during one of his performances, “The most philosophical of all the types.” Keith Richards is also a Saggitarius. It figures. And like Jim you are also a great big mess of scattered thoughts, half-completed tasks, and sardonic, self-reflexive cynicism. You like to wander, and are restless and optimistic; the proverbial hippie. Well, “lizard king” Can you do anything? For you it is to be a death by hallucinogenic drug overdose. Here’s what to do. Locate some heavily trained martial artists, befriend them and drive out to the desert together with a bunch of other hippies and a basket full of poisonous snakes. Create a huge bonfire. Make a broth and dump all the hallucinocgenic contents into it: I’m talking Peyote, Shrooms, Acid, Mescaline, Datura and several bottles of Tequila. You may add some chicken stock for seasoning. Pour the soup into goblets and force each person to drink. Begin by convincing everyone you are the reincarnation of Jesus. Embrace each person while whispering in their ears, “by tomorrow we will be dining on Priety Zinta’s ovaries!” Pull out a Cobra and force each person to kiss it on the head “without fear,” before extracting its venom into a glass of water, and drinking it. Then set up some loud speakers and blast “Everybody was kung-fu Fighting” and exclaim “We must purify the corpses by removing their heads!” Start throwing poisonous snakes at your Bruce Lee friends, and if they don’t break off your arms and neck, then just get it over with and jump in the bonfire. At that point the sparks from your burning flesh will look “trippy” man…

Capricorn: (December 22 to January 20)

You are disciplined, practical and prudent, pessimistic, miserly, and fatalistic. Mao Zedong was a Capricorn. For you a suicide needs to involve uniformity, solidarity, ruthless idealism, and the capacity to kill everyone who doesn’t agree with you. So, organize a meeting, present your thesis as to how you wish to commit suicide. Submit a proposal that you all commit mass suicide and on how you plan to have your bodies mummified, reconstituted by expert taxidermists, and displayed publically, above all city centers with implanted surveillance cameras in your eye sockets, and propaganda blasting from speakers in your mouths. Kill all dissenters. Ultimately arrange for your other comrades to follow the plan while you secretly arrange for a body double to be murdered instead of you. Take a secret passage to your hidden laboratory where all your nations top intellectuals and physicists are chained to the floor. Get into the cryogenic freezing chamber. Press the red button. Blast into space.