Slap that Bitch-an Indian reality tv show

courtesy of currybear and buy the classic “how can she slap?” t-shirt from currybear if you like…

Natalie Portman- the Sita Squid from the Doordharshan episode of the Ramayan that you missed- Carmensita- by Devendra Banhart

Is it offensive? Is it cute? Uh? My lofty minded cultural theory teacher once told me “if its silly its not orientalism” well that certainly “cleared things up” for me by making them less comprehensible- uh I don’t know and I don’t really care- I think people decide to be offended if its convenient for them to do so- so they have something to bitch about instead of focusing on their pointless, culturally bereft, insignificant existences- so I mean- so if it pissed you off why dont you go and make your own fucking video- as for me- I thought the guy- Devendra (Natalie’s current boytoy) was kind of hairy- I thought the makeup was nice- I thought the chic playing the slutty version of Kali at the end was not nearly a hot as I imagine kali would be in person- I thought Natalie did a really stupid imitation of indian dance- I mean even the extras were better- but I thought the beastiality with the squid was very sexy after the whole Sita sati and added just that missing trope that would have made the original Ramayana that much better. So check it out. And can someone explain the lyrics if you know spanish- cuz I don’t exactly see the relationship between the video and the music. anyway…enjoy-

Invoking the cosmic wonder of his beard and Bollywood, Devendra Banhart’s latest music video is both a love story and a tongue-in-cheek nod to India’s maharajas of yore. In “Carmensita,” the newest single from his latest album, Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon, Devandra and his uber-hot (and unlikely girlfriend) Natalie Portman get down to psychedelic-indie, all while saving the Kindom of Carmensita from the clutches of Lord Rajan the Malevolent. When taunting the Prince (played by Devendra), Lord Rajan bellows, “You think you can defeat me with your rebellious beard?” Later on, Devendra kills Lord Rajan by shooting venomous snakes out of his forehead. This is arguably 2008’s most badass moment in music videos.

from zimbio.com

Random Uncleji and Auntyji vampires

no idea where this came from!

Bite me Shah Rukh Khan

heh…well, thanks rajr, this is quite the clip. Just as I was listening to love-starved office chicks groan over Shah Rukh’s golden abs in Om Shanti Om (yes they are STILL talking about it) this thing turns up… shah rukh screwing a wildabeast…I don’t know what “english pictures” she got her glaring, scratching, biting moves from, but observe shah rukh’s climactic pillow massacre………

This is an erotic scene from the rare international version of the Bollywood movie Maya Memsaab, with Shahrukh Khan and Deepa Sahi!

Vikram Aur Betaal! (retro ghost teleserial)

here’s some childhood t.v. Doordarshan nostalgia for you…personally I never watched this series but I used to read the story-book about the corpse hanging from a tree that King Vikram needs to collect for a tantric to use in his magickal workings… you need to watch the clip halfway to see the ghost flying and don’t miss the special effects skulls at the very end.

The series was about a righteous king ,Vikram who goes in search of a ghost, Betaal. Each time he succeeds in trapping him but has to listen to a story on his way back. There is also an impending condition set by Betaaal that he would accompany Vikram as long as he kept his vow of silence, never uttering a word. These were simple stories which contained a moral, and a question at the end posed by Betaal to Vikram. Betaal also warned the king that if he knew the answer and failed to answer it, he (Betal) would have his head. The cunning Betal knew that the king was too clever not to know the answer, and each time Vikram fell for the trap followed by the inevitable …tu bola aur main chala…voooooo.

from nastyworld

so here’s the intro from the t.v. serial with Satish Shah (ghost Betaal) clinging on Arun Govil’s back telling him a story and asking questions at the end and then flying away giggling…

and here’s a new cartoon version of the same…not very good but it gives you some idea of the story…altough I’d kind of like to punch the narrator…who talks about the “strong bodied and fair skinned” Vikram in one of those “for good times make it santori times” whisky commercial accents….anyway…

by the way, because of the trouble with translating Sanskrit into phoenetic english, Betaal can also be read as vetaal, or vetala. Just so as we can be clear on this species of ghost because the Baital, was a supernatural being in india that is half human and half bat, not to be confused with this species of ghost that likes to hang from trees upside down, possess corpses, and has hair like an old woman.

In India, tales of vetalas, ghoul-like beings that inhabit corpses, are found in old Sanskrit folklore. A prominent story tells of King Vikramāditya and his nightly quests to capture an elusive vetala. The vetala legends have been compiled in the book Baital Pachisi.

Happy Dancing Telegu Condoms…

sex education with a catchy tune…

Desi Aunty Pissing…and Simi Garewal still makes me want to barf…

ok. all I want to know is this…why are so many people who land on my site searching the web for “Desi Pissing Aunties”. This phrase has come up hundreds of times as the search engine terms that led people here…I suspect the “Agony Aunty” section is what lures them…

image from link

now I’m not moralizing or anything…but I don’t get the whole “pee on me” fetish…but hey…to each his or her own…and I can certainly think of a few guys who wouldn’t exactly stop Angelina Jolie from taking on a leak on them if she asked them nicely…..and I think its cute that some guys have a thing for the desperate housewife “MILF” sort of thing but Indian aunties don’t exactly look like Bree or Gabrielle from “Desperate Housewives”…they look like Simi Garewal…and if there’s one thing that makes me want to vomit into my bowl of cornflakes…its the idea of Simi Garewal naked and peeing on anyone whomsoever….

if anyone can explain this strange cyber quest for “Desi Pissing Aunties” I would be most grateful. And in the mean time here’s a cringeworthy clip of Simi Garewal topless in the tastelessly pretentious 1972 flick “Siddhartha” where Shashi Kapoor seduces her by pointing at birds, praying to her, and pretending to french kiss her while striking temple sculpture poses as they attempt to disguise a very badly made soft porn sequence as some kind of aesthetic tribute to India’s “Rich” erotic cultural history….the only thing “rich” or “historical” about the clip is Simi Garewaal, who has managed to evolve from a dim witted Bollywood tartlet into an aging Anglophile troll, who insists on wearing white, singing her own talk show theme tune, and thinks that just because she has “propah” English diction and got some major personalities to shed tears on her show, they’ll forget she let Shashi Kapoor see her tits on camera. Now if he had PEED on her…perhaps we could have been spared the abomination that was her candles-and-flowers tribute to classist circle jerking….

I’ve been meaning to put these clips up for a while….so get out your barf bags…

Simi Garewal and Shashi Kapoor in 1972 “Siddartha”

Simi Garewal Singing her theme song to Rendezvous with Simi Garewal. “Speak to me so I can see (EAT) your Soul”

Totally Tasteless Lollywood Clips…

Its Sunday…and time for browsing the worst of the worst…I can’t embed these clips so click the links to see:

Salman Rushie is attacked with lasers-from the epic film International Gorillay….here the “evil salman rushdie” gets zapped by some flying holy scriptures and gets shown what happens when one messes with THE BOOK

Talibarzan discovers Jungle Babe having mutha of all periods…jungle monkey tries to help…

Dancing giant Lollywood Dildo and a pink lycra leotard…

and Madame of the Brothel-whips, chains, girls, goons and a crucifix!

You are a Bloody Lesbian!

one of the less queer friendly smut films of B-grade Bollywood fare…involving a sapphic nympho who tries to give titty twisters to her girlfriend who gives her a lecture on heterosexual morality…. “You bloody Bitch! You are a bloody lesbian!”

I can’t embed it so click the link and see it on youtube. YOU ARE A BLOODY LESBIAN!

“hare krishna hare ram” from “bhool bhulaiya”

Another music video has been censured….from a film because it offends religious sentiments…ironically as I went to the cinema toilet in Metro Adlabs the song was blasting on the radio but they cancelled the song and dance from the film because there are nubile young foreign girls looking too sexy while the name of the Hindu Lord and cowboy, Krishna is being chanted…..its funny that after close to three decades the same refrain is still being chanted in films with naughty white girls and suspicious gurus…. by the way I dig the little Krishna “finger dance”….actually if the flute master were here he probably wouldn’t mind the little girls shaking their butts in prayer…that was his “thing” riggghhhht?

Abhishek Bachan is voted top Gay Icon

Recently Abhishek Bachan was voted by a magazine called “Gay Asia” as Mumbai’s sexiest Asian man. The runners up were John Abraham, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan, Dino Morea, Upen Patel, Arjun Rampal and Saif Ali Khan. Last year’s winner was John Abraham.

In a dominantly homophobic culture its nice to hear how the media climate has begun to change a bit. Although homosexuality is still, technically, illegal in India, a lot of movies have been surfacing in the mainstream over the past ten years that include references to gay identity and culture such as Honeymoon Travels, Life in A Metro, My Brother Nikhil, Page 3, Fire, etc. And of course there was Nishit Saran’s documentary “Summer in my Veins.” Although Abhishek strikes me as being about as hetero as they come, married as he is to Bollywood’s icon for femininity, and being from a family that expounds conservative old-school values of heteronormative familial tradition…Its nice that he didn’t completely wig out and managed to respond to his position as “gay icon” with a degree of respect for the gay community. If anything he just comes accross as slightly bashful.

“I don’t know how to react to this. Any kind of recognition is a blessing. I don’t believe in discriminating against any people. As long as any community loves me for doing what I do on screen, what more can I ask for?Of course I’m flattered and I feel hugely complimented. It’s not everyday that one gets singled out by a very important and sensitive community people. Of course I enjoy the thought of being a gay icon….though let me tell you, I don’t think I deserve it.”

I guess it would be pretty stupid, at this point, for any major actor to indulge in any publically vocal gay-bashing, considering Karan Johar is one of the major players in B-wood. Besides which, some of our top fashion designers, who do a lot of work for big Bollywood names, are invariably gay, and I hear rumours that, like Hollywood of yesteryear (and some claim even today) a lot of the sexiest male actors pose as heterosexual so that they can secure a strong female fan base. Who knows for sure? But the point is, lets hope that greater media visibility will one day lead to a general consesus that making homosexuality illegal is as bizarre as it would be disasterous for India’s film and media industry to exist without the creative imput from its varied sexualities.

Incredible Indian Hulk

image from link

Shah Rukh Khan:Yummy Orange Beef Cake

When most men go through a mid life crises, they buy a new car, change jobs, get hair transplants. But King Khan? He really outdoes himself. You gotta admit he’s really made the effort to buff up for his new role in Om Shanti Om. I guess he was tired of being compared to the beef-cake likes of John Abraham and Hritik Roshan. Usually when guys hit mid life they start buttoning up their shirts and opting for “character roles” but our Khan- never- he’s taking it off and apparently going the distance to appear a bigger Alpha male than he ever has before. He looks like a freaking Roman gladiator. Anyway, doubtless he’s doing this for the fans but I’m sure his wife is getting a kick out of it. It must be like sleeping next to a large golden glazed slice of ham- If I were her I’d be entertained for hours just bouncing ruppee coins on of his hard orange ass…oh and have you noticed how Indians aren’t brown anymore? They’re orange. Its like suddenly its been discovered that along with the invasions of Ghengis Khan and Alexander the Great, there was a fierce battalion of Oompa Loompas who spread their marmalade skin pigment into Desi DNA which is just only beginning to surface. Anyway no matter…even if he looks like he’s been pickled in marmalade he looks a tasty treat…

images from razyboard

I leave you with the immortal words of “Right said Fred”……..”I’m too sexy for my shirt” lol.

Chakde ! India! Happy Independence Day…

Ok so I was more or less dragged to see this film but I have to tell you that if you that if you want to do something fun this Independence day- go see this film. It was the feel good film of the year- and even a crusty old cynic like me got sentimental during bits of it. Ok ok so I’m a softy. But go see it- by commercial standards its seriously well acted- Shah Rukh Khan actually manages to get through the film with minimal tears. Its a film about a hockey coach for the national girl’s hockey team, and how they whip out a can of whoop-ass at the world cup. It was a film that also managed to touch on a number of sensitive issues without getting disgustingly sentimental… for instance you don’t often see films that give you a sense of muslim Indian patriotism (Khan plays a muslim who is suspected of being a traitor by helping the pakistani team beat the Indian team). And the girls on the hockey team are awesom- really well acted. There’s like this bad ass sardharni chick, and this midget Haryanvi chick- and when the Manipuri chick and another northeastern girl sign up the guy at the desk says “welcome.” They scowl at him. He says “why are you unhappy?” They’re like “would you be happy if someone told you you were welcome in your own country”…so the film kind of touches on a number of general racial discriminations that you’re kind of aware of in every day life but that films don’t seem to have mentioned before. Plus the fact that Indian girls (like the girl from Manipur) who have slightly oriental features always get hit on…jerks calling out to them “hey baby”…etc. So there’s this awesome scene where the whole team of girls attack these pervs at McDonalds and kick some *#(%(%#…So my advice to you…see it. Chakde!

Also, apparently the girls who act in the film trained so well as hockey players that the actual national girl’s hockey team is planning to play a game against them, in real life.

The Indian Sesame Street…Gali Gali Sim Sim

Having had the benefit of getting a chance to sample the best of Indian and American television culture while growing up, I’d have to say that Sesame Street remains as one of the best classic series of my formative years…right up there with He Man and She-Ra, The Smurfs, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, Gem and the Hologram, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Star Trek, The Mahabarata series and Santa Barbara (not really meant for children but watched by many). Mix them all together and you arrive in my head. Anyway, I think it’s great that an Indian version of Sesame Street, with characters designed around Indian childhoods is airing on the Cartoon Network.

Learn about triangles using Indian Tribal art: Dancing Worli Paintings

Bunty the Bee : a mini muppet who Really enjoys his bath (I’m actually inspired to jump in the shower after that one)

Furry red monster who’s afraid of going to the dentist. Cute.

Cookie Monster’s Indian bro is just as greedy for COOKIES

And if you didn’t already know this Sesame Street has been dubbed into tons of different languages. Check out this German version of Burt and Ernie. Its pretty funny. Burt (who has a pigeon fetish) gets pretty excited at the end when he imagines he’s turned into a bird.