Finish Your Beer-There’s Sober Kids in India

image from gaijintonic.com

Vintage Phillips Radio Advertisement…

Vintage LOLLYWOOD babes jiggle their bits…

image from thehotspotonline.com

Its a lazy Saturday afternoon…and the perfect time to try out some cheap and sultry dance moves with these Lollywood sex kittens of yesteryear. Shaggadelic Baby Yeah….So lock your door, drink some caffiene or what have you, smoke some of dat wacky tobacky and let it all jiggle about like jello…what no one else can see can’t hurt them…and trust me…don’t knock it till you turn up the music and shake your badonkadonk batty… try out the tasteful tree seduction and the tummy collisions…

the owners of these clips on youtube don’t allow video embedding so click the links and go for it.

from the classic movie BAGHAWAT featuring the superb vocals of Madame Noor Jehan, the Melody Queen:

Queen of the “Killub” dance Chakori displays some deadly moves in this classic dance number from Jasoos:

Some more 70’s sex kittens heaving their chests, panting and doing Elvis the pelvis thrusts:

Happy Rakhi Sawant Guys…

For some strange reason, Rakhi is one of the few festivals that I try not to dismiss off hand as being another opportunity for greeting card and cell phone companies to cash in on nauseating mass-sentimentalism. Like a vegetarian who eats a portion of fish once a year (for health reasons) I try to put aside my “bah-humbug” attitude for at least one incremental day of the year. Cuz in our extended little clan of bros…these guys are like characters that just popped out of strange chapters of dusty books and they are truly mad and like Kerouak:

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!

and now for a gratuitous song and dance number…by the biggest rakhi one could hope to tie around a boy…. Rakhi Sawant. Dancing in a harem. Happy Rakhi guys. lol:

lol. I just found out a close friend of mine wants ME to be a rakhi “brother” and is going to tie a rakhi on me today. To make matters more interesting; my rakhi sister is a guy. That’s pretty cool. I always wanted to have a sister. Just never realized she was going to be a guy. lol. 🙂 click here for next year’s Rakhi post.

Vintage Lollywood Vampire poster copied from vintage Hollywood Dracula poster

Found each of these quite by accident and realized they match…

images from movieforum and thehotspotonline

Bollywood/Lollywood Vampires Then and Now (Zinda Laash-1967 and Khooni Dracula-1992)

Lollywood Dracula…ZINDA LAASH

image from Zinda Laash

– This movie is only the second horror film (and first vampire film) to be made in Pakistan – “Lollywood’s”(the Pakistani film industry is based in the city of Lahore, therefor the name) own interpretation of Hammer ‘s classic Dracula – it even borrowed a bit of the 1957 Dracula’s musical score.
– The story more or less follows Bram Stoker ‘s novel – to underplay the supernatural and religious elements of Dracula’s identity, the vampire of “Zinda Laash” is given a mad scientist/Dr. Jekyll origin – and this is acknowledged in the film’s credits.
– The film was due to be banned outright (the government found it too “corruptive and evil”) until the producers pleaded with the local censors. The censors relented, but insisted that they would never allow a film of this nature to be released ever again! The movie opened on July 7th, 1967 to big crowds as curiosity levels had reached fever pitch as the film made history as the only local release to be awarded an “Adults Only” certificate. Quote from vampyres

Unfortunately the owner of the video doesn’t allow for embedding so you’ll have to click here and go to Youtube to check out the trailer. Trust me its a classic well worth watching.

And just by way of comparison to illustrate the fallen times of Desi Horror cinema, check out this trailer for an extremely low budget Bollywood film…Khooni Dracula…click and see it here. Its got a pretty catchy theme song….and if you click here you can see a clip from the movie where the monster gate crashes a party and starts dancing about….

Khooni Dracula is an utterly atrocious excuse of a movie that perfectly illustrates the level to which Bollywood Horror has plunged over the last decade or so. The movie’s production values are virtually nil with bit comedian Birbal being the only “star” name that anyone would have recognized – they couldn’t even afford an Anil Dhawan or a Navin Nischal or even a Deepak Parashar.To even attempt to explain the “plot” of this disaster of a movie is flattering it considerably, however for the record its basically about an evil fat uncle who rapes and then murders his maid having had a little too much to drink one dark stormy night. The blood that flows from the maids wounds somehow flows into the waiting mouth of Dracula who by coincidence is buried directly below her. This reawakens the ghastly rubber faced Dracula who proceeds to behave rather like a bottled genie in that he is now the slave of his murderous fat master. And so this heinous blimp sends his rubber-faced assassin to murder and rape upon his command. The film is basically a series of cheaply staged set pieces involving some dowdy women disrobing in order to have their beauty baths. Time and again some ugly, squat, plain Jane takes her clothes off – well almost as according to these movies, all desi women bathe with their clothes on – and the audience is treated to numerous shots of underwear and close ups of stretch marked bums and the like. Rubber face Dracula has a penchant for turning up when the nubile young things are disrobed and proceeds to feel them up heartily before plunging his rubber teeth into their leathery skin. (check out the rest of the review by Omar Khan at theHotspotOnline here)

Brownsploitation CATFIGHT! Vintage Bollywood beauties take out their claws…

“catbeast” film poster from thehotspotonline

Step aside…Tarantino…these kitties have claws…and though it may look like you’re time-warped into a blaxploitation flick…you have arrived at BROWNSPLOITATION numero uno in the truck-driver gormet cinematic crème de la crème of bad movies that feature the very best in Bollywood Bad Girls…so please to click and enjoy…catfight!

This catfight is from a Tamil Movie that uses Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon as a soundtrack to a fight sequence involving angry chicks in synthetic wigs, yellow bellbottoms and daisy dukes, bandit bandanas and a man in a cape and blue tights. They get to the part where the vocals are about to come in…rewind the tape…and play it again…

Mudfight with upskirt shots… from the C grade film Kamsin Haseena- 1992…death by arrow…too bad there’s no sound but definitely a brownsploitation worth a watch!

Buxom beauty in bellbottoms gives karate chops and kicks to evil femme girl with syringe in pink negligee…its from the Bollywood film Suraksha, 1979, …shaggadelic baby yeah…check out the heart-shaped chairs…film stars none other than Gun-master G-9 played by Mithun Chakraborthy (check out his disco dancing moves here) and the lovely Ranjeeta Kaur. Directed by Ravikant Nagaich

memsahib in her tacky blue underwear fights her psycho maidservant who is attacking her with a steak knife…by the end of it they’re wrestling in a bath tub and it looks more like the beginning “drama” sequence portion of one of those pirated “phoren” porn flicks that did the rounds in the 80’s like Debbie does Dallas. (if you look carefully you can see that the girls are giggling when they should be growling in the tub. ) From the D grade hindi movie Manovigyan –

Invasion of the Evil Twin Dacu Bitches…I think Tarantino needs to explore B-grade Bollywood bandit queen action…these chicks are straight out of Kill Bill…oh wait a minute…the stunt double is a man in a long wig…and the chick is actually not two but one person shot from two angles to make her appear like twins! (And that is one ugly man doing back-flips in a wig)

Ok and yes I may have gotten a little carried away doing searches so here are a few more clips for the super enthu:

This one is priceless…with plait pulling, scissor-locks-on-necks, ice-cream throwing antics…where Dimple Kapadia (Rani) plays a hooker who mistakes Menakshi Sheshadri (Julie) for a hooker encroaching on her territory…and decides to jump her- enjoy! Suraksha 1979 This is what your 20 year-old mom would look like in a catfight in 1965- the clip is from the film Himalay ki godh mein…check out how she beats the other girl’s head against the side of a dhol, squeeling…with Mala Sinha and Shashikala…Directed by Vijay Bhatt…and now here’s Hema Malini as Rajkumari Menakshi….doing some swashbuckling sword action in medieval costume in the film Kranti 1981 (year I was born) a period drama set in 1825 to 1875 AD…about the first revolutionaries battling the British…ok and now Hema Malini fights Sonia Sahni …. In red berets on a hill near a snake… no idea which film this is…ok and now some more vintage bollywood beauties in cone-shaped bras fighting over a man with a whistle whose dhoti gets ripped off….clip from Neel Kamal, 1968 directed by Ram Maheshwari ….another Catfight in Ahankar 1991 Bengali film by Shrikant Guha-Thakurta…..and here’s a Catfight between Zeenat Aman & Faryal from bollywood film Manoranjan 1974….boring but with zabardast and karadh slaps…and here’s a Catfight between Hemamalini & Bindu from Joshila 1973 directed by Yash Chopra…ok and this is a Catfight fight between Radhika and Silk Smita from Tamil movie Moondru Mugam…here’s a Random Cat-fight rolling down the mountain from and unknown film….and this one’s From 1975 Bollywood film Ponga Pundit…skip to the bit where the girls slap each other around in the pool…this Catfight is from Bollywood movie Daku Mangal Singh between 2 unknown actress….and another random Catfight from a southindian movie…and finally…more catfighting: bandit chicks in black do back-flips in Nepali film Basanti, 2000.

Ok so if you actually watched ALL of those clips then you are either a) truly bored, b) scrounging for material for your own blog, c) writing an academic essay on scopophilia and the male gaze in Indian cinema in which case I would “kindly ask you to see yourself to the door” and get a life or d) horny in a way which makes me wonder why you aren’t just looking for normal internet porn….

At which point my better half taps me on the shoulder, and says “Because guys think its hot- watching chicks fight.” He smiles knowingly at me, shrugs and walks away, pleased with himself as if he has illuminated my world with insight… “Excuse me? Eh?” …Please to explain? What is it about two girls punching each other that conjures up images of lesbian action? And what is it about lesbian action that guys find so compelling? I’m not sure I’ve met many straight girls who get off on watching gay porn…so…anyway… some mysteries are perhaps better left unsolved…

image from crossfire

Bollywood Horror: Keeping it oldschool…blood, beasties, and bathing beauties

Indian Horror Cinema falls into that category of film that I usually go to watch because it is so bad it becomes brilliant.

Purana Mandir-1984- Trailer…it pretty much tells the whole story…beasts, blood, and bathing beauties…

I hope there is some teenage Desi Tarantino out there waiting to make films which canonize these classic genres through his (or her) homage to 20th century Desi Horror….an Indian “Grindhouse”- perhaps this kid is out there sipping flat pepsi and eating stale popcorn in one of those crumbling Art Deco Desi cinemas that always seem on the verge of being bought out and bulldozed by some entrepreneurial multiplex cinema. Because I think as Bollywood and other Desi cinema genres get slicker, more coherent, and actually more frightening…we will lose the fun of watching the kind of films where the worse they are technically- the better they are.

Most Indian films that deal with horror nowadays are being done on a large scale….and tend to take themselves quite seriously….with careful attention to continuity- and the overall package leaning more towards “realist” horror…even when dealing with bizarre themes…they have much more money being put into special effects and editing – and the plot is full of less gore and freakiness and is driven more by the powers of suggestion and suspence…its supposed to keep the audience asking “what is it?” rather than…. “Holy shit it’s coming to get me!!!”…take for instance Naina and Kaal, which seemed more like drama/thrillers than full throttle horrific blood carnivals…

Right now we are on the cusp of losing all that camp upping the anti in terms of what scares- we have to when half of the movies that come through Indian cinemas and dvd stores are some hellish Hollywood flicks. But we are still making films which- for those of us stuffed with images from the Exorcist, Hostel, The Ring, The Grudge, etc….Bollywood horror is still watched more for comedic value than for the nightmarish experience-even though the cinematography has improved substantially- take for instance- the horror film “Vaastu Shashtra” 2004 by Ram Gopal Varma- that had such an inane plot and campy style- it had me screaming with laughter…To give you some idea of the film-“Vastu” is the ancient Hindu mystic practice of building and arranging your house so that the energies are balanced and you do not invite negative forces- its very much like Feng Shui.

So in the film a new family moves into a house where there is supposed to be perfect Vastu but there is an evil tree…and their child becomes entranced by a floating cricket ball…and his slutty sister gets killed and hangs naked from the tree…and then we find out that when people die they become ghosts who do not remember who they were before they die…they become ghost-zombies who attack relentlessly with no purpose…and all because of the evil tree…I’m actually making it sound much more coherent than it was…mostly it was filled with shots of the characters getting scared and the random sound effects of maniacal laughter, screams, buzzing flies, creaking doors, heavy breathing, some kind of Japanese flute, and the sound of ghosts going “whoooooo”…watch the trailer of Vastu here

The sound effects are my favorite part of the horror genre. I remember forcing my parents to take me on the “Bhoot Bangla” ride at Apu Ghar (Delhi Amusement Park) over and over again as a kid- it was my favorite ride…complete with maniacal laughter, piercing shrieks, and all that spooky synthesizer music accompanied by the visuals of plastic bats and spiders, ghosts poking out of mechanical coffins with springing lids and other creepy crawlies of the night lunging out at you as you ride along in a miniature train rattling over the clunking tracks.

khooni panja image from thehotspot

I guess I’ll be depressed if Desi horror completely loses those sound effects, the bleeding red eyes, furry monster costumes, jiggling temptresses and the nonsensical scripts. So I’m counting on little Pratap or Parvati Tarantino out there to be taking some notes on the Horror classics so in 2025 we’ll be watching horror tributes starring an Aging Shah Rukh Khan as “the demon-vampire-King” and little Abhishwarya (the spawn of Abhishek and Aishwarya) as “sacrifical maiden”

image from link

another blog thought on horror:

When I was in college, Zee Cinema used to air a hindi horror movie every Thursday evening. We never used to miss the laugh riot! The story used to be more or less same. All of them used to have an old, abandoned haveli or some khazana or pyaasi aatma. Inadvertently, our hero and his hip looking girlfriend will land into the ground zero along with few just-to-die-after-two-reels friends. However deserted the haveli might be, a chaukidaar, enshrouded in a blanket (even in summers, anyway, it’s always night in the bhoot-land), with a lantern will be there. And the shower will be working, so that our chick can bathe and the crowd can vasoolofy some money. The presence of one tantric baba is essential. When all the good-for-nothing friends are spent and the aatma now endangers the life of the leading couple, it’s baba’s responsibility to put the silver trishool through the bhoot’s breast.

Image trishul from link

Even some of the actors were regulars, Puneet Issar always played to fighter friend, only to be killed by the aatma after putting up a fighting show. Archana Puran Singh played the bathing beauty – the damned shower always started to throw blood after a while! Most of them ended up to be plain cheap sleaze show, to satisfy the front benchers. The acting standards used to be really ludicrous and the make up and all was plain pathetic. These movies certainly had the virtue of being cheap, so to extract cost should have been very easy. Ramsey brothers made a fortune out of howling creatures and booties under shower (They later went ahead to make Zee Horror Show! That was just class apart! :))!

For the rest of the article by Varun Singh click here

Trailer of 1990Bandh Darwaza… gives a good sampling of the plot; Vampire and vixens

And for more on the Ramsay Brothers – Bandh Darwasa and Purana Mandir click hereand check out thehotspotonline…excellent Pakistani Bollywood/Lollywood Horror Website…full of reviews and gory posters…enjoy!

image from link

heh heh…I love that pic…”The power of Om Compells you…”

“An IDEAL BOY”-GOOD HABITS Indian RETRO POSTER…

Some good habits I should get around to acquiring….like joining the army and going for morning walks…praying…wait a minute…is this a poster for the Republican Party?

click here for the full poster:

good-habits-retro-poster.jpg

found this floating around some shop in Sector 23…Chandigarh…if you liked this Desi retro kitsch check out RETRO safety posters

RETRO SAFETY POSTERS

found at at http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/charts/index.html

HORROR SCOPES: THE BEST WAY FOR YOU TO COMMIT SUICIDE THIS YEAR ACCORDING TO YOUR ZODIAC SIGNS

Aquarius: (January 21 to February 19)

Friendly and humanitarian, original and inventive, you are born to be someone’s friend. Oprah Winfrey is an Aquarian and, baby, this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, when “harmony and understanding…sympathy and trust abounding” is going to reach out and touch your life and put you on tv so the world can just….LOVE you. So I suggest, death by…hugs. Just run on out there and hug someone. Someone will have the good sense to shoot you in the head.

Pisces: (February 20 to March 20)

You’re Kurt Cobain and Albert Einstein in one; both Pisceans. You are a melancholy introvert and an atomic bomb waiting to go off. I suggest that you take a running jump out of a window clutching fireworks and a ticking bomb while singing “jesus don’t want me for a sunbeam”. Alternatively, just lick your finger and stick it into an electronic outlet.

Aries: (March 21 – April 20)

Your adventurous streak and will to conquer unknown territories with un-bounding enthusiasm makes a death by drowning an ideal option for you. Forget hang-gliding this year and opt for deep sea diving. Once you are deep in the bowels of the jet black ocean, surrounded by exotic glowing fish, you could try a number of exciting options. 1) go diving with laughing gas tanks borrowed from your dentist 2) swim with sharks in a suit made of meat 3) wear a giant squid costume and make horny overtures to another giant squid 4) Locate a man-eating mermaid and grab her boobs.

Taurus: (April 21 to May 21)

Death by psychoanalysis. Patient, Persistent, and at times self-indulgent and inflexible. Freud was a Taurean. So was Karl Marx. Both of them were into social analysis, had a way with words, and saw words as a means to an either social or psychological cure. So how do we cure you of your insipid life? A talking cure? Well, Oedipussy, once we have you on the couch, and convince you, in terms that your puny mind can understand, that you REALLY do want to kill your father and Fuck your mother, you can gouge your eyes out with a burning cigar and start working on false consciousness. Once you realize the true extent of your hatred for your own miserable life, your family, your society, and everything you once held to be good and true, you will be free. Your mind will become a flaming ulcer that will not cool, your nervous system will fizzle and pop along your spine, and realizing that you really shouldn’t have gone down the rabbit hole to begin with, you will curse your own expanding and self-flaggellating knowledge, even as it palpitates with the hideous complexion of a decaying monstrous pile of flesh. Submerged in all thoughts most disgusting and intolerable, you will lose all loyalty to morality, and will begin life anew, as if dead and newly formed, a man or woman reconstituted; a golem, an inchoate desiring-infant, a mass of bio-rhythms, a hideous organ-machine, a thing unhuman and undead; a vampire-zombie-child, an alien to yourself. You, as you once knew yourself will be nothing but a trace and a faltering sentence, and nothing more.

Gemini: (May 22 to June 21)

Well, for an indecisive, two-faced, chut like you, with diarreah of the mouth, I’m going to suggest you kill yourself through sheer stupidity. This should not be too difficult. Locate a large-scale Punjabi wedding. Search for the hottest chicks in the room. Approach them. Dry hump the first. Donkey-punch the second. Within seconds you should have several Punjabi-fisted metal knuckldusters wedged deep into your skull, a gun pointed up your nostril, and a pick-axe hovering over your groin. Give your attackers the finger and introduce yourself as the “the man you should thank for finally putting it in your mother’s correct ass hole.” (insinuating that they are large, badly formed piles of shit caused by anal birthing.) Enjoy.

Cancer: (June 22 to July 22)

Well Kafka was a Cancerian but so is the Dalai Llama…you are imaginative, emotional, shrewd, cautious, moody and clingy…and yes, compassionate. But when you get depressed you are the maharaj of misanthropes. And, if you are killing yourself because of a broken heart…the following solution adds a poetic touch, which can only prove to create such an incredible guilt trip for your object of affection…that it will ruin his or her life, and at the very least, induce a fit of vomiting and terrible nightmares. If you want to go in for a lovelorn, misanthropic, and yet saintly suicide, I suggest live organ donation. One by one you can donate your eyes, your ears, your fingers, hands, feet, limbs, nerves, tendons, hair follicles, skin, kidney, intestines, bones, till you dissolve into the ether, transcending your body as it looks more and more like a giant mutilated cockroach. On your death bed, while you still have a mouth and vocal chords, set up a camera and a live feed to the internet, and film yourself singing “All of me” by Billy Holiday and I will canonize you as a saint.

“All of me…why not take all of me…can’t you see…I’m no good without you…take my lips…I’ll never use them…take my arms…I want to lose them…you took the part that once was my heart…so why not take all of me…”

And don’t forget to leave a note professing your love to Abhishek Bachan and a voodoo doll of Aishwarya with its head ripped off and a fork jammed between her breasts.

Leo: (July 23 to August 23)

You are one of the types most prone to grandious acts of philanthropy. You’re just so open minded and concerned about social welfare and loyal to your ethics and ideals. And you are just there to serve the cause even if it means shoveling your pompous, classist mores down everyone else’s throat. Therefore the perfect suicide for you, involves the following. Locate a starving family in the Northeast. Convince them you are a dog. Bark, roll over and drool if necessary. Let your ethics literally feed the people, sinew by sinew…from your deep fried left wing to your bleeding heart…..

Virgo: (August 22 to September 23)
Like Agatha Christie you are shy and modest; a meticulous perfectionist. In the perfect murder of yourself, however, you will not be too modest to leave, as your final mark of genius, clues that irrefutably prove that you were murdered, with the candlestick, in the billiard room, by Professor Plum. And if a clever sleuth should unravel your inscrutable riddle, he should find in his hands, the final clue; a piece of parchment on which you post-humously explain your wish to die and offer yourself, as the prize for necrophiliac ravishment. For in a good detective story, there is always a broad, and always a body, but seldom a clever private dick.

Libra: (September 24 to October 23)

At a party you’re always the one who can create sublime, enigmatic, urbane conversation whose content, in retrospect, was as substantial as a fart. How do you do it? You are the sultan of suave, the princess of politicking, and though you always seem to buy everyone else drinks, your pocket never seems empty. Your only lament is that the opposite sex just cant seem to leave you alone…well, why should they? Death for you has got to be on par with your penchant for diplomacy and your promiscuous, inconstant flirtations. You’re the one who knows that a good thing is worth waiting for…and if that thing is the most magnificent, awe-inspiring death by Sexually Transmitted Diseases…then baby….you’re going to get it. AIDS, Herpes, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Trrichomaniasis, topped off with the cherry and frosting of genital warts and pubic crabs. Tadaaaaa! And not only can you die in a triumphant outbreak of disease but you can casually, diplomatically, and graciously infect most of your social millieau. Throw a party. A fund raiser orgy, perhaps, for AIDS? You can use the condoms for balloons.

Scorpio: (October 24 to November 22)

If I wanted to blow sunshine up your arse I would say that you were going to have a good year. But that would be lying. And me. I never lie. And, in any case, the world is coming to an end in 2012, world war III is around the corner, the ozone layer is dissolving, racial genocide ain’t stopping, and love is a four letter word… so you may as well just stick your head in the oven and turn up the gas, like Slyvia Plath, who was also a Scorpio. Like Sylvia, you are emotional and intuitive, exciting and magnetic, jealous and resentful, and secretive and obstinate. It would not make sense for you to kill yourself without turning your death into a piece of art. First, cover the walls of your kitchen with your original poetry, written in your own blood and shit of course. Write a manifesto if you like. Then, collect several meters of cellophane, strip naked and wrap yourself in it. Then write the words, “The future is a grey seagullTattling in its cat-voice of departure”. from Slyvia Plath’s poem, “Life” all over your body in pink cake icing and French mustard. Put a ripe apple in your mouth and hand-cuff your wrists behind your back.Then climb in the oven and create a pork roast out of yourself. This version works better if you are a feminist. But either way, I’d pay to see the show.

Sagittarius: (November 23 to December 21)

“I am a Sagittarius” said Jim Morrison, tripping during one of his performances, “The most philosophical of all the types.” Keith Richards is also a Saggitarius. It figures. And like Jim you are also a great big mess of scattered thoughts, half-completed tasks, and sardonic, self-reflexive cynicism. You like to wander, and are restless and optimistic; the proverbial hippie. Well, “lizard king” Can you do anything? For you it is to be a death by hallucinogenic drug overdose. Here’s what to do. Locate some heavily trained martial artists, befriend them and drive out to the desert together with a bunch of other hippies and a basket full of poisonous snakes. Create a huge bonfire. Make a broth and dump all the hallucinocgenic contents into it: I’m talking Peyote, Shrooms, Acid, Mescaline, Datura and several bottles of Tequila. You may add some chicken stock for seasoning. Pour the soup into goblets and force each person to drink. Begin by convincing everyone you are the reincarnation of Jesus. Embrace each person while whispering in their ears, “by tomorrow we will be dining on Priety Zinta’s ovaries!” Pull out a Cobra and force each person to kiss it on the head “without fear,” before extracting its venom into a glass of water, and drinking it. Then set up some loud speakers and blast “Everybody was kung-fu Fighting” and exclaim “We must purify the corpses by removing their heads!” Start throwing poisonous snakes at your Bruce Lee friends, and if they don’t break off your arms and neck, then just get it over with and jump in the bonfire. At that point the sparks from your burning flesh will look “trippy” man…

Capricorn: (December 22 to January 20)

You are disciplined, practical and prudent, pessimistic, miserly, and fatalistic. Mao Zedong was a Capricorn. For you a suicide needs to involve uniformity, solidarity, ruthless idealism, and the capacity to kill everyone who doesn’t agree with you. So, organize a meeting, present your thesis as to how you wish to commit suicide. Submit a proposal that you all commit mass suicide and on how you plan to have your bodies mummified, reconstituted by expert taxidermists, and displayed publically, above all city centers with implanted surveillance cameras in your eye sockets, and propaganda blasting from speakers in your mouths. Kill all dissenters. Ultimately arrange for your other comrades to follow the plan while you secretly arrange for a body double to be murdered instead of you. Take a secret passage to your hidden laboratory where all your nations top intellectuals and physicists are chained to the floor. Get into the cryogenic freezing chamber. Press the red button. Blast into space.