Agony Aunty III

What is your problem, eh?

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Dear Auntyji,

I am having a problem. In one month I am getting married and I am trying to lose weight but its a really difficult. I try drink diet cokes, avoiding sweets, but so far nothing is working. What should I do? I want to look good on my special day.

(Shobha from Gujarat)

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Shobha beta,

Even I am remember those days many years before when it was about to be my marriage day. I also did not want the weight and I was very curious about the secrets of the man and the wife. I did not want to do something stupid. I was also practicing to drink the cokes. But in those days they will kill you with throwing of the rocks if they catch you before the marriage. So I was having the practice with the cokes of my sister’s buffalo. But as you know this beverage it is many calories. I became a very fat with the buffalo’s milk. I did not understand it those days how it was to make the baby. So I belief I had a small buffalo in my estomach. My sister beat me with the jharoo on the estomach to kill it. gases are coming out. Too much tension, beta. I think it is a good to diet the coke. Better not have any coke at all before marriage. It is true it will rot the teeth and before wedding it is good to have the teeth. Those you are needing for the marriage fotos. But is saying of our village “a good wife is toothless goddess”- this is for 2 reason. Number one it is funny to beat the wife. If she laugh it is sign of her good sense of humour. Number two. it is better not having teeth for the drinking coke. These are the mystery tradition of our culture.

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Auntyji,

I have just one little question. My laurda [loove pamp] is too small. The condom is not fitting. What to do?

Sincerely,
(Raj from West Bengal)

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Dear Putar,

There is an English poem in my village about this problem. Let me try to recall.

If your Lauda is in a Gora it will small like Mr. Paul (he was the English teacher)

It is clear you have been inside some white randi or maybe a black one also. It a doesn’t matter. You must now do the ancient tantic magick to get back the size. Now you go and find the nearest mandir. And inside it you will find one large snake. Take the snake and wrap it tightly around the tattas. It is going to feel the pain. But not a problem. There is another poem from my village:

If your balls are feeling blue
go to traintracks make number two
feeling it the bursting vain
wave at madam on the train
not to worrry mr matka!
now your tattas feeling jhatkas

It is a nice poem. But the snake not will not care. Hold the snake. Put the nimbu on its eye. And spit! It will bite you and your laurda will fit the condom. Go to your wife. You will have long time erection. But it will painful and it will spit the venom. Do not try to make the baby with the venom. This baby will be black or a gora. Neither one is acceptable because they will the cause the small laurda in others. That is not very Gandhian as it is a social evil. So be a Gandhi not a Randi!

with regards,
your mother from far avay,
Auntiji

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Agony Aunty II

What is your problem? Eh?

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Dear Auntyji,

I once visited to Paris for short term assignment for my college studies. Their, my mates once took me to the strip-tease bar where I was so much seduced by the dancer that I could not stop myself from making up. We had sex for the whole night and still the feelings make my nerves shivering. Now I fear of getting STD as my friends told me that its very much common with those pole dancers. I am getting married and don’t want to cheat my fiance. I am totally tensed and had no way to go. What to do?

(Ashish from Pune)

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Ashish,

Why is you afraid of getting call from STD phone booth? How can she find you? You have only one phone in your village? Better to get phone-line installed the house. My brother got an ear infection from the dirty phone. He is died. It is ok that you sewed the wild oats in the college but not good for to thinking about it before marriage. Wife Should not get to know. Better you should call her father this randi and to tell him daughter is dancing with dundas. Not to make the crank calls.

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Dear Auntyji,

It happened a few days ago when once I stayed at my girlfriend’s house. Though it was intentional stay, so without making any sound we slipped into the bed room. I started making love and got a step further into sex. But suddenly, I screamed in shock when I found that my bed partner was not my beloved but her mom. I tried to escape but she coerced me to finish the play. To make matter worse I was so scared that I did all out of fear, but I lost my girl friend. Since that day I am living life alone. I am ashamed. Please to help.

(Sohail, Delhi)

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Putar,

If your girl friend her mother is randi that means daughter also gundi too. My daughter Pinku she is stupid but strong like ox. Do not be seduced by the glamour girl. My Pinku has face like gobi but it is funny to beat her nose. Here is her photo and you send address to me. I will send her with dowry: three cows, two goats and many chickens. She has healthy hair growth and can lactate very good. When our cow, buntu died, Pinku nursed the baby cow and now it is become a healthy bull. Your sons will grow big on her breasts. And her tutti can be used for cooking if no gober is there in the house.

with warm regards, your future Saasuji

Here is the photo of Pinku:

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Agony Aunty: Auntyji has an answer for every desi problem

What is your problem? Eh?

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Auntyji,

I am 29 and my parents have been looking for a suitable boy for me since I finished college. Earlier I used to reject all the boys and now when I have said yes to somebody I feel that he is not good enough. How to ensure that I will be able to love him?
(Poonam, Panipat) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)
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Rundi Kutia,

you think the reason you have not yet gotten married is because you are such hot prize. Your parents must having been lying to you. More likely it is you should worry to ensure your husband will be able to making love to you when you are too old like his grandmother. Listen now to me my grandmother secret remedy:

Take you five rotten eggs, one chamach shugar, one clove, smelling lettuce, and some water that has gathered at the bottom of your fridge (where it is dengu mosquitos are circling round). Put this on the fire for exactly one minute and fortythree second. Add one drop of brandy and one spoon of Vag Bhakri Chai. Pour it through the chulni into the teapot. Serve your husband this drink while wearing a red sari that has been washed in a mixture of Nirma detergent and a sample of his urine. He will intoxicated. You try this Rundi and if it no work you write again. I have second option if you too ugly to make remedy proper.

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Auntyji,

I have developed a very bad habit in me. I like to slap people around me and always try to beat them for no issue. Sometimes when I get annoyed by the mad rush in the local bus or train and even feel like to kill people randomly. I know this is wrong and not friendly to the society and I need a good counseling. I am scared. I don’t know where to go and what to do?
(Ranjeet, Delhi) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)

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I no see problem. More like it is you no sexing. Go you find rundi. Slap her stupid. No problem

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Auntyji,

My boyfriend is a big mama’s boy, and I have no problem with that. It’s just I feel that I have to compete with his mom to spend time with him. This makes me jealous as well as frustrated. I don’t know the exact reason of my situation but I guess when he is with me he is not completely with me. I am serious. Her mother is so young in look that when they go out together people mistake them for a couple. It really bugs me that I have to think this.
(Samita- Faridabad) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)

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Sweetu,

I know it is you stupid rundi. I beat you with jharoo when I home get. Thinking you using big English and me no understanding. It is because you no follow my guidance that you son is falling for his beautiful mother. Again I give you second chance; take you three potatos, slice them properly, soak them in a bowel overnight with isabgul and few of my putur’s hairs of the pubis. Rub them on Dhunno’s udders, and mash them into a paste with pudina. This you put in dhubba. Use on toothbrush daily. I tell you Rundi your breath is Gundi!

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