Agony Aunty III

What is your problem, eh?


Dear Auntyji,

I am having a problem. In one month I am getting married and I am trying to lose weight but its a really difficult. I try drink diet cokes, avoiding sweets, but so far nothing is working. What should I do? I want to look good on my special day.

(Shobha from Gujarat)


Shobha beta,

Even I am remember those days many years before when it was about to be my marriage day. I also did not want the weight and I was very curious about the secrets of the man and the wife. I did not want to do something stupid. I was also practicing to drink the cokes. But in those days they will kill you with throwing of the rocks if they catch you before the marriage. So I was having the practice with the cokes of my sister’s buffalo. But as you know this beverage it is many calories. I became a very fat with the buffalo’s milk. I did not understand it those days how it was to make the baby. So I belief I had a small buffalo in my estomach. My sister beat me with the jharoo on the estomach to kill it. gases are coming out. Too much tension, beta. I think it is a good to diet the coke. Better not have any coke at all before marriage. It is true it will rot the teeth and before wedding it is good to have the teeth. Those you are needing for the marriage fotos. But is saying of our village “a good wife is toothless goddess”- this is for 2 reason. Number one it is funny to beat the wife. If she laugh it is sign of her good sense of humour. Number two. it is better not having teeth for the drinking coke. These are the mystery tradition of our culture.



I have just one little question. My laurda [loove pamp] is too small. The condom is not fitting. What to do?

(Raj from West Bengal)


Dear Putar,

There is an English poem in my village about this problem. Let me try to recall.

If your Lauda is in a Gora it will small like Mr. Paul (he was the English teacher)

It is clear you have been inside some white randi or maybe a black one also. It a doesn’t matter. You must now do the ancient tantic magick to get back the size. Now you go and find the nearest mandir. And inside it you will find one large snake. Take the snake and wrap it tightly around the tattas. It is going to feel the pain. But not a problem. There is another poem from my village:

If your balls are feeling blue
go to traintracks make number two
feeling it the bursting vain
wave at madam on the train
not to worrry mr matka!
now your tattas feeling jhatkas

It is a nice poem. But the snake not will not care. Hold the snake. Put the nimbu on its eye. And spit! It will bite you and your laurda will fit the condom. Go to your wife. You will have long time erection. But it will painful and it will spit the venom. Do not try to make the baby with the venom. This baby will be black or a gora. Neither one is acceptable because they will the cause the small laurda in others. That is not very Gandhian as it is a social evil. So be a Gandhi not a Randi!

with regards,
your mother from far avay,




  1. Hilarious stuff, Auntiji !
    Still, I prefer the teeth in the woman, no offense to the village…even if they are not practical for drinking the coke, they come in handy for the nibbling of the tomatoes.

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