Holy COWS!

Introducing THE BIOSCOPE

The good old fashioned desi bioscope is a staple of every good mela (fair or festival); it is an old fashioned movie or slide projector that is traditionally kept running by having a guy wind a lever round and round. It usually has B-grade Bollywood film tunes blasting and as you peek through the child-sized circular windows you can watch your favorite stars flash by. Here are some classics for your listening enjoyment.

Tarzan my Tarzan…aaja mein dikha doon tujhe pyaar kaise ho

Russel Peters

Russel Peters (outsourced) Preview (in the USA)

Agony Aunty: Auntyji has an answer for every desi problem

What is your problem? Eh?

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Auntyji,

I am 29 and my parents have been looking for a suitable boy for me since I finished college. Earlier I used to reject all the boys and now when I have said yes to somebody I feel that he is not good enough. How to ensure that I will be able to love him?
(Poonam, Panipat) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)
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Rundi Kutia,

you think the reason you have not yet gotten married is because you are such hot prize. Your parents must having been lying to you. More likely it is you should worry to ensure your husband will be able to making love to you when you are too old like his grandmother. Listen now to me my grandmother secret remedy:

Take you five rotten eggs, one chamach shugar, one clove, smelling lettuce, and some water that has gathered at the bottom of your fridge (where it is dengu mosquitos are circling round). Put this on the fire for exactly one minute and fortythree second. Add one drop of brandy and one spoon of Vag Bhakri Chai. Pour it through the chulni into the teapot. Serve your husband this drink while wearing a red sari that has been washed in a mixture of Nirma detergent and a sample of his urine. He will intoxicated. You try this Rundi and if it no work you write again. I have second option if you too ugly to make remedy proper.

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Auntyji,

I have developed a very bad habit in me. I like to slap people around me and always try to beat them for no issue. Sometimes when I get annoyed by the mad rush in the local bus or train and even feel like to kill people randomly. I know this is wrong and not friendly to the society and I need a good counseling. I am scared. I don’t know where to go and what to do?
(Ranjeet, Delhi) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)

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I no see problem. More like it is you no sexing. Go you find rundi. Slap her stupid. No problem

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Auntyji,

My boyfriend is a big mama’s boy, and I have no problem with that. It’s just I feel that I have to compete with his mom to spend time with him. This makes me jealous as well as frustrated. I don’t know the exact reason of my situation but I guess when he is with me he is not completely with me. I am serious. Her mother is so young in look that when they go out together people mistake them for a couple. It really bugs me that I have to think this.
(Samita- Faridabad) (problem from 4th D Woman, April, 2007)

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Sweetu,

I know it is you stupid rundi. I beat you with jharoo when I home get. Thinking you using big English and me no understanding. It is because you no follow my guidance that you son is falling for his beautiful mother. Again I give you second chance; take you three potatos, slice them properly, soak them in a bowel overnight with isabgul and few of my putur’s hairs of the pubis. Rub them on Dhunno’s udders, and mash them into a paste with pudina. This you put in dhubba. Use on toothbrush daily. I tell you Rundi your breath is Gundi!

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