Agony Aunty III

What is your problem, eh?

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Dear Auntyji,

I am having a problem. In one month I am getting married and I am trying to lose weight but its a really difficult. I try drink diet cokes, avoiding sweets, but so far nothing is working. What should I do? I want to look good on my special day.

(Shobha from Gujarat)

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Shobha beta,

Even I am remember those days many years before when it was about to be my marriage day. I also did not want the weight and I was very curious about the secrets of the man and the wife. I did not want to do something stupid. I was also practicing to drink the cokes. But in those days they will kill you with throwing of the rocks if they catch you before the marriage. So I was having the practice with the cokes of my sister’s buffalo. But as you know this beverage it is many calories. I became a very fat with the buffalo’s milk. I did not understand it those days how it was to make the baby. So I belief I had a small buffalo in my estomach. My sister beat me with the jharoo on the estomach to kill it. gases are coming out. Too much tension, beta. I think it is a good to diet the coke. Better not have any coke at all before marriage. It is true it will rot the teeth and before wedding it is good to have the teeth. Those you are needing for the marriage fotos. But is saying of our village “a good wife is toothless goddess”- this is for 2 reason. Number one it is funny to beat the wife. If she laugh it is sign of her good sense of humour. Number two. it is better not having teeth for the drinking coke. These are the mystery tradition of our culture.

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Auntyji,

I have just one little question. My laurda [loove pamp] is too small. The condom is not fitting. What to do?

Sincerely,
(Raj from West Bengal)

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Dear Putar,

There is an English poem in my village about this problem. Let me try to recall.

If your Lauda is in a Gora it will small like Mr. Paul (he was the English teacher)

It is clear you have been inside some white randi or maybe a black one also. It a doesn’t matter. You must now do the ancient tantic magick to get back the size. Now you go and find the nearest mandir. And inside it you will find one large snake. Take the snake and wrap it tightly around the tattas. It is going to feel the pain. But not a problem. There is another poem from my village:

If your balls are feeling blue
go to traintracks make number two
feeling it the bursting vain
wave at madam on the train
not to worrry mr matka!
now your tattas feeling jhatkas

It is a nice poem. But the snake not will not care. Hold the snake. Put the nimbu on its eye. And spit! It will bite you and your laurda will fit the condom. Go to your wife. You will have long time erection. But it will painful and it will spit the venom. Do not try to make the baby with the venom. This baby will be black or a gora. Neither one is acceptable because they will the cause the small laurda in others. That is not very Gandhian as it is a social evil. So be a Gandhi not a Randi!

with regards,
your mother from far avay,
Auntiji

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The World’s Oldest Man Dies in Rajasthan (another Indian world record lol…)

I found this strangely moving…I mean…perhaps it is a question of mind over matter? I mean, I think most of us assume we’re going to kick the bucket a lot earlier than this guy…but if you knew your body was going to be your home for that long…well personally it might encourage me to take better care of it…well I don’t mean to get all senti and stuff…but perhaps myths of immortality were just parables about longevity which defies logic…and maybe its the logic that kills you? I shall experiment. I’ll let you know in 70 years…stay tuned…

image and story from the telegraph

20 Aug 2008
Habib Miyan the world’s ‘oldest man’ dies in India

Habib Miyan played the clarinet in a maharajah’s orchestra before retiring 70 years ago.

However, there is much dispute over his actual age. Although he said he was 138 years old, his pension book showed him to be a mere stripling at 129 – and the Guinness Book of Records has been unable to verify his age at all.

Miyan, who lived in Jaipur in western India, had no birth certificate but has collected a state pension for decades. He once worked in the court of the king of Jaipur – Raja Man Singh, where he played in the wind section of the orchestra.

A crowd of thousands attended Miyan’s funeral – demonstrating the fame to which he had risen in the state of Rajasthan. He died after suffering fever and dysentery, his niece Munni told reporters.

Miyan sprang to the attention of the world in 1998, when a bank clerk called Rajesh Nagpal decided to look up the records of the venerable old man who had been collecting his pension for as long as anyone could remember.

Six years later he became one of the oldest people to make the pilgrimage to Mecca – a lifelong goal for the devout Muslim.

The visit was exceptional: Miyan, who had been blind for more than 50 years and suffered limited mobility, spent most of his time at home praying and telling stories to his enormous extended family of 140 people.

“If you treat your body well, the body will treat you well,” Miyan always said, according to a relative.

Yeti Hairs discovered in India! English Experts continue to examine…

Of course people (that is to say…the natives) have known about Yetis for ages, but until those English experts get their tests done no one is going to believe the locals…of course the English don’t believe in mythical creatures like we fanciful third worlders…….they don’t believe in fairy stories like say….ones about walking on water…turning water into wine…rising from the dead…that sort of thing…nah- never..

image from ILOVETHEYETI

The Condom Song (the tv ad for the mobile ring tone)

I’m sure you’ve heard about it so why don’t you have a listen, first hand? Catchy tune- 🙂

NEW DELHI (AP) _ A cell phone ring tone that sings “Condom, condom!” has been launched to promote safe sex in India, where condoms carry a strong social stigma and HIV and AIDS are growing problems, health experts said Tuesday. The a cappella ring tone features a professional singer chanting the word condom more than 50 times, a playful approach that public health activists hope will spark discussion and make condoms more socially acceptable.

from link

An infant girl with two faces is born in suburban Delhi…

image from link

I think she’s beautiful…but I can’t help worrying what her life is going to be like. The good news is she is being worshiped as a divine incarnation…one can only hope that she gets through life feeling like twice the woman, and that the people in her life manage to protect her from all the attention. Here’s hoping!

Happy dancing Rakhi and the history of Rakshabandhan

Well here it is again and I find myself scurrying around trying to find lost addresses and envelopes to send off my rakhis- (better late than never :)) My brother-in-law lazily received his this morning as he scratched his head and asked for cornflakes. I managed to nag him and my better half to send flowers to their sisters but (hint hint) no flowers for me- alas. I’ll content myself with his gift a few days ago- a portable plastic joint carrier- (shaped something like a capped test tube- now you can smoke half a joint and hide it in your purse for later on- very cool actually and after all, you can’t smoke flowers can you?

Anyway here’s a little history on the whole Rakhi thing-

A story is told of Alexander’s wife approaching his mighty Hindu adversary Porus and tying Raakhi on his hand, seeking assurance from him for saving the life of her husband on the battlefield. And the great Hindu king, in the true traditional Kshatriya (those who belonged to the brave warrior class) style, responded; and as the legend goes, when Porus raised his hand to deliver a mortal blow to Alexander, he saw the Raakhi on his own hand and restrained from striking.

More poignant instance is the story of the princess of a small Rajput (those who belong to the state of Rajasthan) clan. It glorified the spell that the Raakhi had cast even on people of alien faiths. The princess sent a Raakhi to the Moghul Emperor Humayun to save her honor from the onslaught of the Gujarat Sultan who seized her kingdom. The emperor, then engaged in an expedition against Bengal, turned back and hastened to the rescue of his Raakhi-sister. But, alas, to his utmost sorrow, he found that the kingdom had already been perished by the invador and the princess had committed ‘Jauhaar’, i.e., leaped into the burning flames to save her honor.

The Nobel laureate poet Rabindranath Tagore used the occasion of the Raksha Bandhan as a community festival to spread the nationalist spirit among people from different ethnic backgrounds.

history from link

So there you are- and here’s another Rakhi Sawant dance following in last year’s tradition:

Happy Rakhi Sawant guys!

The item number’s called Dekhta Hai Tu Kya- Krazz4