Food, Freud, and F***ing around making pointless internet quizzes…these are some of my favorite things…
When I look at a plate of _______ I see:
a) three dimensional curving ovals
b) a thick substance I’d like to eat it off of someone’s belly
c) They scream everytime I try to pick them up with a spoon…
d) swarming maggots or smurf turds
e) beans beans beans
2) Tandoori chicken
a) oval-shaped objects with pointed ends
c) his name is Bobby
d) the juicy flesh of small children
e) I see tandoori chicken. That’s it.
a) a bumpy flat oval
b) a shaggadellic beanbag to play on…
c) She’s actually quite philosophical about being eaten…something about karma…
d) Baby flesh
e) it’s a naan you daft loser!
a) 13 triangles
b) Triangular condoms
c) These bitches always tell me I’m fat.So I torture them by eating their corners first.
d) That’s what it looks like when you fold a baby seven times
e) They’re samosas you fool
5) Baingan (eggplant)
a) two dozen spheres with stems
b) a pile of purple balls (human ones)
c) they say they are the eggs of satan. I ate them anyway.
d) the battered skulls of unborn babies
e) its just one small aubergine. Only multiplied and fried.
a) four flat circles
b) fried smegma
c) alien spaceships…they say they come in peace…but I ate their leader anyway.
d) squashed doves
e) fluffy white iddlies waiting for Sambar
a) oddly formed coagulated shapes
b) lumpy breasts
c) These losers are full of gas…they wont stop talking even after I eat them.
d) deep fried bandicoots (monster sewer rats)
8) red chillies
a) two semicircles and a line
b) fairy dildoes
c) After 10 chillies my eyes water & I hear the voice of god. It’s a recorded message.
d) mutant tape worms pulled out of shilpa shetty’s nose (lowering her IQ by 69 %)
e) three tasty chillies
a) a dozen small spheres
c) Do you hear barking?
d) the eyeballs of little girls
e) gooey rosgollas
a) four fifths of a spherical object
c) ah the music of song in a bleeding mango…
d) fresh human baby heart…still dripping…
e) don’t be disgusting. Its just a mango.
IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “A”s THEN YOU ARE: The Compulsive Carbohydrate
Obsessed with geometry of your food you are a poster kid for the Freudian anal phase; doomed to count your piles of food as if they were coins you might bury in an underground safe…you treat your food like money…and your money exits your body as shit…you are split between active and passive impulses: the impulse to mastery on the one hand, which can easily become cruelty; the impulse to scopophilia (love of gazing), on the other hand. You gaze at your food as if it were treasure. You calculate its quantity and measure each bite. You are the Lacanian death drive on a rampage; a mathematical vampire that has to keep counting his prey to avoid a fear of unmeasurable objects and incomplete experience. But as Zizek might say, Enjoy your symptom and keep counting your life away.
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IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “B”s THEN YOU ARE: The Sexual Vegetable
You have sex on the brain and no place else…You are so obsessed with your lack of sex that you see sex everywhere that it isn’t. The real truth is that you are in love with your food but rather than admit your deep passion for carrots you pretend to use them as metaphors for human romantic gratification. Yes, my dear Desi, like countless other Desis you have sex on the brain cuz your life is as asexual as an Obese Raja, chewing paan and trying to dispel the boredom of magnamanity by flipping through the instructions of the Kama Sutra…or building entire temples covered in sculptural erotica…with girls…boys…donkeys even….while he is fanned by his many nubile serving girls….and hopes no one will notice the fire that glows in his eyes when the Chicken biryani arrives…Ever wonder why Bollywood films are so Horny but the people in the audience….sitting in nice little family groupings….aren’t? Is it because when something is missing you see it everywhere? Perhaps you are A) a teenage dirtbag baby (who isn’t getting anything from anyone except his left hand) or B) a bored married person who sees more erotic potential in a vegetable than in their spouse, or C) A single person who has gone without amor for so long that you’re prepared to walk around the fire tied to a nice piece of fried jackfruit as long as it doesn’t smoke, drink, or philander. D) You are a Food Fetishist who will in later life force some poor unfortunate soul to throw snow peas at you while screaming “ You’re the Queen of the Cabbages!”
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IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “C”s THEN YOU ARE: The Psycho Samosa
I hate to break it to you but no matter how good a conversationalist you are…the fact that your food talks back to you is not a hopeful sign. Something rather complex evidently happened to you in early childhood and if you were Alice in Wonderland I could tell you it was all a dream but your rabbit hole doesn’t begin or end; its you. And as far as I know….according to Lacan your kind of condition is totally incurable… All I can suggest is that, as Alice learned, it is rude to eat food to whom you have been introduced- so if your food talks to you- don’t talk back. Eat.
Alice in Wonderland Through the Looking Glass:
‘You look a little shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton,’ said the Red Queen. ‘Alice— Mutton; Mutton— Alice.’ The leg of mutton got up in the dish and made a little bow to Alice; and Alice returned the bow, not knowing whether to be frightened or amused.
‘May I give you a slice?’ she said, taking up the knife and fork, and looking from one Queen to the other.
‘Certainly not,’ the Red Queen said, very decidedly: ‘it isn’t etiquette to cut any one you’ve been introduced to. Remove the joint!’ And the waiters carried it off, and brought a large plum-pudding in its place.
‘I won’t be introduced to the pudding, please,’ Alice said rather hastily, ‘or we shall get no dinner at all. May I give you some?’
`What impertinence!’ said the Pudding. `I wonder how you’d like it, if I were to cut a slice out of YOU, you creature!’ It spoke in a thick, suety sort of voice, and Alice hadn’t a word to say in reply: she could only sit and look at it and gasp. `Make a remark,’ said the Red Queen: `it’s ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding!’
IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “D”s THEN YOU ARE: The Normal Naan
Insanity is your sanity. Repulsed by giving the sane reply you are a neurotic who hates the idea of having a garden variety form of sanity/insanity. Your desire can only function when you see it as unusual/abnormal/contrary to the generally accepted law of desire- if you are “supposed” to enjoy your desert you won’t be able to. You may eat it but you won’t like it. In other words you feel your most deranged when you feel “normal”- You are bored and disgusted by food when it doesn’t look like something out of a B- Grade Lollywood flick.
IF YOU GOT MOSTLY “E”s THEN YOU ARE: The Repressed Rasgolla
Check into the nearest mental institution…because you are the sort that noone ever expects will one day without warning flip out and set fire to your school, home, workplace or suddenly join a cult where your guru demands sexual favors and that you forsake all your earthly belongings in exchange for a uniform of orange fur. Your “seeing is believing”/ “Tell it like it is” attitude is the biggest line of crap of them all. According to Lacan “The Undeluded are Kidding themselves…” So if you really think that an objective truth exists where butter chicken is only “really” identical to butter chicken …then that means you have a mind with a unique capacity to lie to itself- and you know what that means babe? You lack the capacity to view yourself as lacking….err..that is to say…you refuse to believe in the possibility of multiple sanities/insanities and..you refuse to believe that you yourself, like everyone else…are mad as well….which is the maddest thing of all….so welcome to the tea party Alice…but watch out…if you keep telling yourself these tall tales about being normal…well…then one day…
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Tera KHOON PEE JAOONGA!!!
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