sutta na mila…

for all you smokers that are getting fucked by the smoking ban in public places all over India…

bhen chod…ma chod…sutta na mila..

Balatkari…the rapist song…

Mumbai perfumes our stinking mountains of trash…a nation trapped in the anal phase…

I don’t know what to say! The adage “don’t shit where you eat” doesn’t seem to impress our govt. Nope. They just spray their own shit with cologne and keep on munching. Talk about a nation stuck in the anal phase! We’re so delighted with our economic development that we happily throw shit out of the window, knowing that some poor naked human at the bottom of the rubbish heap will find a use for our grotty old toothbrush not to mention our used tampons. That’s some disgusting trickle-down. No one feels the least bit of shame for leaving traces of their waste about like a snail trail. People spit on the walls, shit on the street, blow snot into the bushes. At least this stuff washes eventually down the drain. But what disturbs me is how this idea of “outside” the home is seen as one gigantic rubbish bin, while inside the home people fastidiously take off their shoes and take great care not to trash things.

But its typical of the Indian psyche to have a total lack of civic concern. People worry about their own family and what happens in their living vicinity. What happens down the road matters only in so far as it is something new to talk about. This is how it is possible for crowds of people to hang about with their hands in their pockets while watching someone being stabbed or raped. Once the corpse is dragged away by the police they will whip out a can of air freshener while a sweeper is called over to wipe up the “mess” of blood and ooze left behind. People simply do not grow up with a sense of accountability for shared spaces. Its every man for himself.

And our waste habits seem to exhibit some almost primitive urge to mark territory and assert dominance using our fecal waste mixed in with our other more high tech refuse. Of course we leave our tom cat piss in the areas where we can- in the places where only the weakest of the human pack reside…and if any of them came to shit on our doorstep we’d lock them up or worse?

No of course not. We’d just spray them with perfume and send them on their way.

Authorities in Mumbai have begun spraying the city’s two biggest rubbish dumps with perfume to lessen the increasingly foul smell. “We’ve had lots of infant death and there is a high incidence of respiratory infections,” said Dr Rane.

India has found itself ill-equipped to deal with the mountains of plastic bags, electronic waste and even food that have found their way into the nation’s rubbish bins as a result of two decades of economic growth.

In Mumbai, formerly known as Bombay, the population produces close to 8,500 metric tonnes of rubbish a day, most of which makes its way to the two sites.

“Being a largely rural economy most of our waste used to be bio-degradable,” said Prashant Pastore, an expert on waste management at Toxics Link, an environmental advocacy organisation based in New Delhi.

“The problem is our consumption habits have changed but our dumping habits have not.”

story from thenational

Slap that Bitch-an Indian reality tv show

courtesy of currybear and buy the classic “how can she slap?” t-shirt from currybear if you like…

Agony Aunty III

What is your problem, eh?


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Dear Auntyji,

I am having a problem. In one month I am getting married and I am trying to lose weight but its a really difficult. I try drink diet cokes, avoiding sweets, but so far nothing is working. What should I do? I want to look good on my special day.

(Shobha from Gujarat)

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Shobha beta,

Even I am remember those days many years before when it was about to be my marriage day. I also did not want the weight and I was very curious about the secrets of the man and the wife. I did not want to do something stupid. I was also practicing to drink the cokes. But in those days they will kill you with throwing of the rocks if they catch you before the marriage. So I was having the practice with the cokes of my sister’s buffalo. But as you know this beverage it is many calories. I became a very fat with the buffalo’s milk. I did not understand it those days how it was to make the baby. So I belief I had a small buffalo in my estomach. My sister beat me with the jharoo on the estomach to kill it. gases are coming out. Too much tension, beta. I think it is a good to diet the coke. Better not have any coke at all before marriage. It is true it will rot the teeth and before wedding it is good to have the teeth. Those you are needing for the marriage fotos. But is saying of our village “a good wife is toothless goddess”- this is for 2 reason. Number one it is funny to beat the wife. If she laugh it is sign of her good sense of humour. Number two. it is better not having teeth for the drinking coke. These are the mystery tradition of our culture.

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Auntyji,

I have just one little question. My laurda [loove pamp] is too small. The condom is not fitting. What to do?

Sincerely,
(Raj from West Bengal)

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Dear Putar,

There is an English poem in my village about this problem. Let me try to recall.

If your Lauda is in a Gora it will small like Mr. Paul (he was the English teacher)

It is clear you have been inside some white randi or maybe a black one also. It a doesn’t matter. You must now do the ancient tantic magick to get back the size. Now you go and find the nearest mandir. And inside it you will find one large snake. Take the snake and wrap it tightly around the tattas. It is going to feel the pain. But not a problem. There is another poem from my village:

If your balls are feeling blue
go to traintracks make number two
feeling it the bursting vain
wave at madam on the train
not to worrry mr matka!
now your tattas feeling jhatkas

It is a nice poem. But the snake not will not care. Hold the snake. Put the nimbu on its eye. And spit! It will bite you and your laurda will fit the condom. Go to your wife. You will have long time erection. But it will painful and it will spit the venom. Do not try to make the baby with the venom. This baby will be black or a gora. Neither one is acceptable because they will the cause the small laurda in others. That is not very Gandhian as it is a social evil. So be a Gandhi not a Randi!

with regards,
your mother from far avay,
Auntiji

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The World’s Oldest Man Dies in Rajasthan (another Indian world record lol…)

I found this strangely moving…I mean…perhaps it is a question of mind over matter? I mean, I think most of us assume we’re going to kick the bucket a lot earlier than this guy…but if you knew your body was going to be your home for that long…well personally it might encourage me to take better care of it…well I don’t mean to get all senti and stuff…but perhaps myths of immortality were just parables about longevity which defies logic…and maybe its the logic that kills you? I shall experiment. I’ll let you know in 70 years…stay tuned…

image and story from the telegraph

20 Aug 2008
Habib Miyan the world’s ‘oldest man’ dies in India

Habib Miyan played the clarinet in a maharajah’s orchestra before retiring 70 years ago.

However, there is much dispute over his actual age. Although he said he was 138 years old, his pension book showed him to be a mere stripling at 129 – and the Guinness Book of Records has been unable to verify his age at all.

Miyan, who lived in Jaipur in western India, had no birth certificate but has collected a state pension for decades. He once worked in the court of the king of Jaipur – Raja Man Singh, where he played in the wind section of the orchestra.

A crowd of thousands attended Miyan’s funeral – demonstrating the fame to which he had risen in the state of Rajasthan. He died after suffering fever and dysentery, his niece Munni told reporters.

Miyan sprang to the attention of the world in 1998, when a bank clerk called Rajesh Nagpal decided to look up the records of the venerable old man who had been collecting his pension for as long as anyone could remember.

Six years later he became one of the oldest people to make the pilgrimage to Mecca – a lifelong goal for the devout Muslim.

The visit was exceptional: Miyan, who had been blind for more than 50 years and suffered limited mobility, spent most of his time at home praying and telling stories to his enormous extended family of 140 people.

“If you treat your body well, the body will treat you well,” Miyan always said, according to a relative.

Yeti Hairs discovered in India! English Experts continue to examine…

Of course people (that is to say…the natives) have known about Yetis for ages, but until those English experts get their tests done no one is going to believe the locals…of course the English don’t believe in mythical creatures like we fanciful third worlders…….they don’t believe in fairy stories like say….ones about walking on water…turning water into wine…rising from the dead…that sort of thing…nah- never..


image from ILOVETHEYETI