Up until now I really thought that John Abraham was the man most in love with his biceps but I stand corrected… meet “Ali”- the first male stripper in India…apparently its illegal to work as a stripper in Bombay but that’s hardly going to get between a man and his passion….and this guy has a genuine passion for himself!… and its really quite adorable…he’s like a kid in a candy shop…and the candy is rich society wives of industrialists, horny single desk jockey chicks…and I guess where there is a “gap” in the market “Ali” cabana boy has come to fill it with kung-fu kicks and jazz dance pivots and lots of Vaseline on his shaved superhero chest. And all these excitable Desi chicks there…waiting to live out their deepest fantasies of pulling stretch pants off of a cowboy ….(who looks like he escaped from touring with the Village People)
…apparently he’s inspired by Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson (both secretly gay men)…perhaps that’s where he got the idea that leather and lycra= macho…as he prepares for a party where they asked him to go with a slightly “macho animal theme” hmmm….(I ponder)…I guess on He Man (as prince adam) lycra was kind of macho…but then I’ve always wondered whether He Man was really a gay porn star…and that Skeletor was secretly his bitch…they both looked like the guys who auditioned to be a part of the Village people but didn’t quite make the cut… of course I had a massive crush on He Man…
Which makes me ask the question…what makes hot gay guys (who look like “Ali”) seem kind of hot to straight women? And by hot gay guys I mean (though there are varied definitions)…guys who have appropriated the classic stereotypes of heteronormative masculinity in a manner which both outdoes the original model (bigger biceps, more leather, etc.) and also manages to have a bit of transgressive self-reflexive fun…I guess the irony of these original hetero hollywood models of masculinity…. is that they were mostly invented by (in the closet) gay men like cowboy hunk Rock Hudson — or the man that caused 100,000 women to weep at his funeral….1920’s heartthrob Rudolph Valentino- the sexy “Sheik” – …..…or the original Ben Hur- Mexican immigrant Ramon Novarro-…………………… ……….. … Tyrone Power-the original “Zorro”-…James Dean…also rumoured to be bisexual-……………….…Adam West and Burt Ward…Batman and Robin, that is, were rumoured to be gay and lots of speculation abounded as to whether or not on the tv show and movies there were a lot of hidden innuendos-……of course you would have thought that there was no question that “the riddler”- Frank Gorshin was gay- he was too fabulous not to be…but no he wasn’t……. But cesar romero…”the joker”…also fabulous…was gay-…anyways the list goes on indefinitely…including Mike Brady…the all American Dad from the Brady bunch sitcom….
…So (apart from the joker) that means that the idea of the sexually attractive Wasp “normative” male Hollywood man was designed for “normative” women by quite a few gay men….so gay men designed straight women’s desire…..which explains the widespread use of lycra by straight male superheroes and (fitness instructor superstar)Richard Simmons simultaneously…………..
I mean…in the olden days…Batman, Superman, Daredevil…etc. They all used to wear lycra-…they were drawn wearing lycra and they were filmed wearing lycra…and they all looked good in Barnum and Baily Circus “strong man” sort of way….but lately (and by lately I mean approx. 10 years) everyone seems to be upgrading to rubber superhero suits…even the chicks are wearing rubber… …and where else in the world do you find people wearing full rubber suits in a public venue? Sado Masochistic Bondage BDSM clubs which were originally started by gay men in the 60’s and 70’s (that later evolved to include other genders)Foucault was in one of those clubs back in the day…and if you rewind a couple of hundred centuries…where there were chains but no rubber…these clubs were Roman orgies often populated by those very same gay Greco-Roman philosophers who designed western thought and the principles of justice upon which our modern day superheros base their crusades… (reminds me of a joke once told to me… “In ancient Sparta how did you separate the boys from the men? With a crowbar.” Frank Miller managed to circumvent that part of the story in “300”)
So there’s my theory as a result of watching “Ali” strip naked in front of a bunch of Bombay office chicks. Gay men designed heterosexuality…superheroes…and the theory of justice. And I think they deserve a big thank you….if hetero guys had designed themselves…they would probably be running around today wearing milk cartons on their feet, loin cloths made of Victoria secret catalogues and hats made of jello. And if they’d designed their own justice system…well I think George W’s presidency illustrates that eventuality.
Come on guys…golly gee…I come in peace..….here’s a clip by way of apology… a nice strip tease by the lovely voluptuous…lady…
Shah Rukh Khan…
By the by…I have heard a lot of insider talk from actors and directors working in Bombay right now and apparently it is rumoured that 90 percent of the classic hetero heros are either gay or bisexual…I’m talking Akshay Kumar, Shah Rukh Khan, Salmaan Khan, etc. but like Hollywood actors of yesteryear (and even today) they keep all this stuff in the closet so as not to alienate viewers…I think only Karan Johar is slightly open about which way he swings…Spiderman…still not so sure…he’s the only superhero still wearing lycra! If he’s a gay man…he’s an embarrassment to the community. And if he’s straight…well Tobey Maguire is still an embarrassment…he does this horrifying attempt at looking macho while dancing and ends up looking like an evil Leprechaun on crack. See clip here.